Friday, August 8, 2008

Confusions of a Dangerous Mind

It was 7.15 a.m. and I was running up the staircase, struggling to make it for the 7 a.m. Networking lecture...

Me (*panting*): Ma'am , may I come in please?
Sushmitha Ma'am: No
Me : Will you allow me in for the next lecture?
Susmitha Ma'am: No

And I went back .. crying.... terrribly... Now, Sushmitha Ma'am is very particular about punctuality, and it's usual for her to say NO to people who are even a minute late. I was wondering what is it that made me sob so bad.. for 30 mins after she said NO .. !!

Since the last 3 weeks, I'm unable to explain things that I do, the way I think... and
its scaring me all the more. People tell me I have changed, in a way that I didn't realise on my own.. They say I don't take anyone close now, I keep all of my friends at some distance, and treat them equally.. And nothing affects me so much.. And yes, they were true about that.. I don't know why ... Maybe its cuz I've been hurt so much in the past that I've decided I wont let things affect me the way they used to, and avoid getting hurt.. But it didnt work the way I wanted it to... My behaviour is affecting people around me, and its hurting them , which is inturn making me feel bad about myself..

I don't feel the urge to call my dear ones and meet them every time I get a tea break or a free lecture.. I don't feel the urge to talk to loved ones in my vella time.. I just go with the flow. I talk to people around me, listen to music when I'm alone, sleep or surf the net at home, but don't take any extra efforts to talk to people, meet them... Its not that I don't care, its just that I don't feel the same anymore.. I don't know if its a problem.. Some say its for the best, cuz I was a person who wouldn't stay a second without someone special around me , I hardly ever gave time to myself... I would do all I could for people so it also led to people taking advantage of this.. Maybe it is for the good, but I don't want to hurt anyone .. Especially my close ones.. :(

I feel scared of myself thinking I'm turning into a bad person.. I keep hoping its just a passing
phase.
And maybe there was so much within me that the little thing that happened in class (getting kicked out for coming late) was like pulling the trigger finally .. I did feel better after venting it all out.. but that was just temporary..

I can't explain that fear within me .. I keep feeling guilty .. like I'm not being true to people.. its the worst feeling one can ever have..

Feeling better having written this down..
I couldn't have put this into words any better than this..
*Please don't feel offended cuz of my behaviour in case it turns bad.. I apologise to all those I may have hurt in the past few weeks.. it was purely unintentional..*

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

You stress on 2 things in this blog.

1. Your Friends (which you very clearly mention to whom you care for)

2. Most important .. see your blog again and you'll see how many times you have used 'I' to puke out the thoughts that made you restless and your friends a little concerned.

If you keep cribbing over this word 'I' and 'me' then gal you will never be happy.
You seem to be upset coz things have not gone your way (shayad pyaar ka chakkar bhi ho sakta hai .. mind you i say might be).
Now you should do things/favor/help because you want to and not because you expect someday someone will return a favor.
Stop expecting and you'll be a altogether different gal free of your juggling brain cells .. and ppl shall envy you for your new persona.

Regards
NN
(Not a friend nor a Lover ...
juss a blog reader ...
very clear am)

S said...

There are phases in our lives when we want to cut off from everyone.

I myself am going thru the same phase. Last few months have been socially (read online) been very active & hectic for me. Made numerous frenz and then eventually month I realised had I not been in a hurry I wud have never befriended them.

The realisation hit me and I started cutting off ties & was rude to quite many a people. Even I felt bad because being rude is not in my nature.

But then I realised that if I have to make my life simpler and if that happens by shedding some ppl from my life & by being rude to them then be it. After a month now am feeling lighter & better.

So girl stop feeling guilty, we all have phases which will pass. There are good days n there are bad days...think about good ones and even bad ones will pass by :)

Anubha said...

@anonymous..

Hey thanks for dat ... well ya i have stopped expecting now from ppl and somehow I feel they shud also do the same.. I do things now because I want to, and not cuz I have to.. thats why i end up feeling i've turned selfish at times..
and you're right, it IS cuz things didnt go my way.. i expected a lot frm ppl who didnt give a damn about me... and now its all going to change.
Just that i was worried about changing.. i felt i was losing myself. Cant express that feeling. Thanks a lot for your comment, and for visiting my blog :)
Take care..

@s
Hey feeling sort of relieved to know someone else has gone through this as well :) I don't want to shed those ppl out of my life who really care for me, it shouldn't happen on its own.. I'd feel horrible if that happened.
RIght now I'm just spending time with myself, and doing things I want to do. I just hope it passes off quickly and I'm a much happier person, and at peace.
Thanx a ton ... take care .. :)

Nimit said...

oyeeeeeeeeeee u dont worry yarr...am there yar..whateva da case may be..u neef not worry..do what u feel like..afterall itz ur life..u know it better...what r ur priorities and who matter to u and who dont..i dont know where do i stand...bt whateva it may be am gonan be there always no matter what no matter when...as i said raat ko 3 baje bhi uth ke ayega chai bournbon and centre fresh lele :) am rt here Anu a.k.a My Sweet Bhangiii
lUV Nmit
Muahhhhhhhhh :)...

alphabetworld said...

Anuuus
Dont worry at all...and if you ask me, its the BEST way to be...i'm saying this out of experience. Initially, ppl might be hurt by yuor behavioural change...but later, yu'll find yourself protected from other ppl who might hurt you.

I'm actually glad i changed this way once upon a time...it givs yu a lot of freedom and independence...without feeling guilty!

mirrorcracked said...

You're in love! What's his name?? ;)

Sakhi said...

hmmmmmmm... you will be back with a bang, don't worry girl... these are phases, come and go!

@ Niks

Saawan ke andhe ko sub kuchh haraa dikhta hai!

mirrorcracked said...

@Sakhi
True, very true! :)

Anubha said...

@nimit..
thankssss bhangi u're too cute :)

@alphabetworld
Ya people do say its good that i've become independent. Just that this sudden change is difficult for me.. Feels like I don't have feelings anymore !! Just feel bad about hurting people who genuinely care about me.. !

@mirrorcracked
No, I'm not in Love. and Sakhi is right !! :P

@Sakhi
Thanx.. hopefully i will !! :)

/-\я∆√ĪЙÐ |{яî§hnÅn said...

hey Anubis, chill; as U ritely said its just a passing phase,
U have been going through so much [ur mind actually] that its now trying for some peace.. by means of finding sanctity in silence [:)] hence ur body is adjusting that way, IT is NORMAL k.. n doesnt mean u r turning Bad [hw cud u evn think of it ?]
after sum inward soul searching, it'l be fine k..... u can say its a kind of reset button for your body cycle,
Dun get depressed by such passing things, Stay Cheerful n think GOod n al wil b Wel wid u k..... cheers Anu,,, tc !!!!

n yea... hpe we get the Old Cheerful version of Anubha back as compared 2 dis new brooooooding 1..... cheerios !! [:)]

Nissim said...

u copied the name of my blog!!
take care! it takes something to push you over the edge and get the pent up emotion out...atleast thats what ppl tell me.

Anubha said...

@aravind..
thanks i too wish for da same thing.. !!! :)

@nissim..
the name suited my situation perfectly !!! sowwie !! :D

"it takes something to push you over the edge and get the pent up emotion out"

i didnt exactly get you ... cud u be clear ..???

wtml said...

The answer to most strange behaviors in women is PMS!!!!!!!!! Believe me now, or take your time to figure it out yourself, but its true!

No reason to soul-search! You are a wonderful person. Nothing can change that! I've been through these stages, but, now, I just go 'Bah' to someone who comments on how much I have changed!

mirrorcracked said...

@WTML
PMS?? lol... come on, you can do better than that! Can't u see Anu is madly in love and doesn't want to confess!

@Anu
Pyaar kiya toh darna kya? ;)

@Sakhi
Hum toh gaye pyaar mein, magar Anu ko abhi abhi ehsaas ho raha hai...
;)

@Anu
Trust me, it's love! ;)

Anubha said...

@wtml ... I dun think its PMS !! It wouldn't have lasted for so long then.. !!

@mirrorcracked
Main bhi jaa chuki hu pyaar mein .. ab nahi hu !!!
waise tera setting huaaa ki nahi ?? :-P

alisha said...

rite now i feel am going though the same things i cant explain things that are going on.
Everything is in a mess and no matter how hard i try things dont seem to be getting any better i dont know why this is happening to me and why now all of a sudden buti jut feelthat i amgoing to crazy and i feel sick with this feeling.I dont know what to do....

Anubha said...

@alisha...
ella ??? tu ???
finally tune mera blog visit kiya.. waah !! kya din aaye hai .. :-P

Well u're just going through a phase, try doing what I did ..
spend some time with yourself.. you'll be peaceful..
things will fall back into place when they have to, don't worry..!

Gharpe toh aayegi na sar khaane.. sab thik ho jaayega.. ;-)