She!

She smiled when she noticed him looking at her from the corner of his eye, and how he looked away, embarrassed, when she caught him doing that! It was the third time now. Since the last one month, his head was not where it should have been. He was in class merely in the physical sense. There was a lot going on in his life other than just Socket programming. He was already frustrated by the field he had chosen for himself and he had felt life had nothing more to offer. For the past five days, however, things had been different. Maybe it was her. No, let me rephrase that- it WAS her. He didn't know what it was about her that made him feel so hopeful about himself, so safe, so peaceful. He had barely managed to catch her name a day back, he wasn't sure if he had heard it right. It was either Priya or Supriya. He hoped it was Priya. "Priya" was sweeter, just like her!

He'd come to class everyday now, surprising his professors who'd usually cringe at him for being so laidback and unpunctual. He had a reason now, and he'd run to class on days that he'd get late, hoping to be allowed in, just once, so he could get a glimpse of her. It felt heavenly. He could easily carry on with the rest of his day knowing she was there. Her presence had a lasting impact on him. There were a few times when they bumped into each other at breaktime or in between two classes, but strangely, neither of them would feel the need to talk. This communication was different. There was so much said only with the eyes that somehow, talking seemed unnecessary. The language of the soul is truly remarkable! And at times, when she'd pass by brushing her side against his, he'd get blown away! His world changed. He looked at things differently, he surprised himself by scoring straight A's in all the subjects he had chosen for himself. He realised he was happy and enjoyed every moment of his life.

Summer holidays were approaching and Priya had already started bunking classes. He felt anxious not knowing what had happened to her and desperately wanting to see her. Days passed and there was no news of her. No one knew where she was. He became increasingly restless. Soon the term got over and the holidays had begun. He did all that he could to keep himself busy and happy. His life was a little on track now thanks to her and he realised he had to get on with it. He would see her after the holidays, he could wait till then. And he was right. Soon after the holidays, as he went to college for the next term, he saw her at the gate walking towards class with a couple of books in her hands, and her trademark embroidered jhola slung on her shoulder. But something was amiss. He couldn't place it. There was no serenity on her face any longer, and she seemed pale. It was painful to see her like that. And just then he noticed her hand- the ring! He never remembered seeing it before, he was too afraid to ask. He just knew. She was married, she had to be.. but she didn't seem happy at all!! He wanted to ask her a lot of things; a whole lot of questions came to him, he was just about to approach her for the first time in the four months that he knew her. And as he went closer, she walked away. Never to return to college again.

He couldn't tell what had happened that led her to get married so soon; he could only guess it could be parental pressure. Atleast that's what her friends thought! He was depressed but he knew he had to accept it. She had come in for a purpose, and it was served. Now it was time to move on, to pursue what he had discovered, to live the life he had almost given up.. if it weren't for HER!

Now I know - II

The online world seemed exciting. Although it had been a year since I had started blogging, I wasn't really active anywhere. But that June evening, as it poured outside, I had nothing better to do than go online. After checking my Orkut, my Gmail, my Hotmail and my Yahoo (which had over 400 unread mails!!), I happened to sign in to my blog and was surprised to see so many comments on it. It meant that people actually visited it more often than I did myself! I began reading those and I stumbled upon a blog of one of those commenters- Raghav, that caught my attention for the longest time. I enjoyed each and everyone of those posts and couldn't keep myself from leaving a comment there. After a little more blog-hopping, I went off to sleep.

The next morning, the first thing that I did was to visit that particular blog again to check if Raghav had left a comment in reply. Needless to say, I was thrilled to see one. It went on that way for a couple of days, and soon he was in my Orkut list and we happened to have a mutual friend too! On knowing that he went to the same college that I do now, my excitement doubled. He added me on GTalk the very next day and we started chatting endlessly. It was fun never meeting him in real life and yet talking to him like I've known him for years! Through him, I met many other bloggers online and started being very active on my blog. We always had a lot to talk to, and soon, advanced to talking on the phone too! He lived in the US, and that meant heavy call rates but that never seemed to bother him and we talked for hours.


I'd wait for Raghav's calls and for him to come online. And on days that he didn't, I'd feel restless and uneasy. This was a different feeling. I knew I didn't like him that way. It wasn't the kind of happiness that I felt when I was in love or the one I felt when I won a trophy in school. I just felt the need to talk to him everyday. I was addicted to him. We'd talk about college, about our friends, about our lives, even teach each other our respective mother-tongues! My life completely changed in two months time and my addiction kept growing by the hour! But I didn't seem to care. All I knew is I loved talking to him and he felt the same too. We enjoyed and that's all that mattered.

Then one day, I happened to go to a friend's place on the outskirts of Bombay to spend the weekend. I was meeting her after ages and we were catching up on each others lives over tea; I told her all about my experience and how things had changed since that evening in June. I expected a call from Raghav the same night, I wanted her to talk to him too! The clock struck 10 and I looked at my cellphone. Nothing. "This is the time he always calls, what could have happened!", I thought. I waited some more thinking he might be busy somewhere, but after an hour, when my phone didn't ring at all, I was sure he had forgotten and gave him a call myself. Nobody answered. I left a voice message, but felt very scared somehow. I stayed up all night talking to my friend and at the back of my mind, expecting the phone to ring anytime considering it was day-time in the US. But nothing happened. No calls, no messages.

When I came back home, I checked my mail and my GTalk to see if he had left any offliner. Nothing there too! I went all panicky, and pinged another blogger who knew Raghav too, to ask her if she knows of his whereabouts. She too had no clue! I felt helpless and stranded. I didn't know what to do. A week later, she mailed me saying that he was safe. Apparently, he had mailed another blogger to tell her that he was just very busy and nothing was wrong.

I heaved a sigh of relief but could never understand why he left that way. Today, he has left the blogosphere and has stopped interacting with all of those bloggers he had befriended once. None of us know why.

I didn't know what addiction could do to me and how wrong I was to give myself completely to someone who seems like a complete stranger now.
Now I know.

Now I know - I

I knew there was something different about this guy,the way he looked, the way he was... Being in an all-girls convent school, I had never been close to a guy before. This was new and exciting. And did it feel good? You bet it did. I would always wait for Anish to come over, he and my brother studied in the same university . As days passed, we became good friends and soon, started exchanging e-mails. I'd write lengthy mails to him telling him every little thing under the sun. And he replied promptly, his mails being equally long. I checked my inbox every morning, and sure enough, there'd always be one new mail from Anish. He once mentioned how much he'd wait for my replies and I smiled to myself thinking how I would always switch on my computer the first thing in the morning waiting for his mail! And when he'd come over, my joy knew no bounds! It felt different. It felt good. This HAD TO BE love.

Over the course of time, we became the best of friends! We even started chatting online every night and my cheeks would hurt from smiling so much the whole time that he was online! One day, he said I was his 'Angel' !! "Yes!", I thought, "He loves me back too!". I was elated and within a few weeks, we started going out together. Each day felt heavenly. I wrote poems in his name and painted pictures. I loved the songs he listened to and played them over and over again. It felt so dreamlike, except that it was so real !



Anish introduced me to his friends and family and I knew I was a special part of his life. His sister Geet took an instant liking to me and shared almost everything with me, and so did one of his friends Sakshi. Sakshi was his classmate, she was one of those girls you could feel at ease with. We'd meet often and even be on the phone for as long as 3 hours. I confided in her and happened to tell her how I felt for Anish, and she'd help me in a lot of ways, tease me to no end and we would laugh for hours together!

Soon, I finished school and sought admission in the same college as Anish's just as he had asked me to, so we could spend more time together. I got through but things turned out to be different. He'd always keep busy with his lectures and practicals, and I'd always complain about how he'd hardly ever come to my lecture hall. I'd blame him for asking me to take admission there, and for promising me something he could not give- time. As for Sakshi, as time went by, she and I lost touch. I tried calling her repeatedly, she wouldn't return my calls and once or twice, when I did get her on the line, she would say she kept very busy and hardly found time to breathe. Her behaviour puzzled me but I couldn't do much but let go.

Then one fine day, as my classes had ended for the day and I was about to go home, I ran into Geet. We began talking, I asked her about her family and we strolled around the area chatting away. In the middle of our conversation, she told me of a girl she thought Anish was in love with, and she was talking about Sakshi. I shuddered. Though we had never declared our love to each other, I knew I was THE ONE. He never once mentioned any other woman in our conversations. I ignored her suspicions and went on with my life, with just as much love to give. But I kept hearing of this, time and again, from some source or the other. So once, when Anish and I were coming back from the sea face where we'd always spend hours talking, I asked him if Sakshi was any special. He denied. I trusted him blindly. In a month's time though, when a dear friend of mine told me what all he'd heard from Anish, I couldn't help but confront Anish again, and this time, he confessed to being in a relationship with Sakshi, for almost a year.

My world came crashing down. I felt shocked, hurt and angry all at the same time. I had no one to blame... After all, he never said he loved me, did he? It was a castle I built all by myself. I cried and cried till I could do no more. Knowing the facts, I still missed him dearly and I cried myself to sleep every night for a year, half cursing myself to believe he loved me, and half hoping all of it weren't true... I later made my share of mistakes by trying to get back to what never was mine. It was difficult. I could never love again.

When I look back now, I thank my stars. I have no regrets. Had this not happened, I would never have known what falling in love is. Now I know. :-)