Now I know - I

I knew there was something different about this guy,the way he looked, the way he was... Being in an all-girls convent school, I had never been close to a guy before. This was new and exciting. And did it feel good? You bet it did. I would always wait for Anish to come over, he and my brother studied in the same university . As days passed, we became good friends and soon, started exchanging e-mails. I'd write lengthy mails to him telling him every little thing under the sun. And he replied promptly, his mails being equally long. I checked my inbox every morning, and sure enough, there'd always be one new mail from Anish. He once mentioned how much he'd wait for my replies and I smiled to myself thinking how I would always switch on my computer the first thing in the morning waiting for his mail! And when he'd come over, my joy knew no bounds! It felt different. It felt good. This HAD TO BE love.

Over the course of time, we became the best of friends! We even started chatting online every night and my cheeks would hurt from smiling so much the whole time that he was online! One day, he said I was his 'Angel' !! "Yes!", I thought, "He loves me back too!". I was elated and within a few weeks, we started going out together. Each day felt heavenly. I wrote poems in his name and painted pictures. I loved the songs he listened to and played them over and over again. It felt so dreamlike, except that it was so real !



Anish introduced me to his friends and family and I knew I was a special part of his life. His sister Geet took an instant liking to me and shared almost everything with me, and so did one of his friends Sakshi. Sakshi was his classmate, she was one of those girls you could feel at ease with. We'd meet often and even be on the phone for as long as 3 hours. I confided in her and happened to tell her how I felt for Anish, and she'd help me in a lot of ways, tease me to no end and we would laugh for hours together!

Soon, I finished school and sought admission in the same college as Anish's just as he had asked me to, so we could spend more time together. I got through but things turned out to be different. He'd always keep busy with his lectures and practicals, and I'd always complain about how he'd hardly ever come to my lecture hall. I'd blame him for asking me to take admission there, and for promising me something he could not give- time. As for Sakshi, as time went by, she and I lost touch. I tried calling her repeatedly, she wouldn't return my calls and once or twice, when I did get her on the line, she would say she kept very busy and hardly found time to breathe. Her behaviour puzzled me but I couldn't do much but let go.

Then one fine day, as my classes had ended for the day and I was about to go home, I ran into Geet. We began talking, I asked her about her family and we strolled around the area chatting away. In the middle of our conversation, she told me of a girl she thought Anish was in love with, and she was talking about Sakshi. I shuddered. Though we had never declared our love to each other, I knew I was THE ONE. He never once mentioned any other woman in our conversations. I ignored her suspicions and went on with my life, with just as much love to give. But I kept hearing of this, time and again, from some source or the other. So once, when Anish and I were coming back from the sea face where we'd always spend hours talking, I asked him if Sakshi was any special. He denied. I trusted him blindly. In a month's time though, when a dear friend of mine told me what all he'd heard from Anish, I couldn't help but confront Anish again, and this time, he confessed to being in a relationship with Sakshi, for almost a year.

My world came crashing down. I felt shocked, hurt and angry all at the same time. I had no one to blame... After all, he never said he loved me, did he? It was a castle I built all by myself. I cried and cried till I could do no more. Knowing the facts, I still missed him dearly and I cried myself to sleep every night for a year, half cursing myself to believe he loved me, and half hoping all of it weren't true... I later made my share of mistakes by trying to get back to what never was mine. It was difficult. I could never love again.

When I look back now, I thank my stars. I have no regrets. Had this not happened, I would never have known what falling in love is. Now I know. :-)