Sunday, August 30, 2009

Now I know - I

I knew there was something different about this guy,the way he looked, the way he was... Being in an all-girls convent school, I had never been close to a guy before. This was new and exciting. And did it feel good? You bet it did. I would always wait for Anish to come over, he and my brother studied in the same university . As days passed, we became good friends and soon, started exchanging e-mails. I'd write lengthy mails to him telling him every little thing under the sun. And he replied promptly, his mails being equally long. I checked my inbox every morning, and sure enough, there'd always be one new mail from Anish. He once mentioned how much he'd wait for my replies and I smiled to myself thinking how I would always switch on my computer the first thing in the morning waiting for his mail! And when he'd come over, my joy knew no bounds! It felt different. It felt good. This HAD TO BE love.

Over the course of time, we became the best of friends! We even started chatting online every night and my cheeks would hurt from smiling so much the whole time that he was online! One day, he said I was his 'Angel' !! "Yes!", I thought, "He loves me back too!". I was elated and within a few weeks, we started going out together. Each day felt heavenly. I wrote poems in his name and painted pictures. I loved the songs he listened to and played them over and over again. It felt so dreamlike, except that it was so real !



Anish introduced me to his friends and family and I knew I was a special part of his life. His s
ister Geet took an instant liking to me and shared almost everything with me, and so did one of his friends Sakshi. Sakshi was his classmate, she was one of those girls you could feel at ease with. We'd meet often and even be on the phone for as long as 3 hours. I confided in her and happened to tell her how I felt for Anish, and she'd help me in a lot of ways, tease me to no end and we would laugh for hours together!

Soon, I finished school and sought admission in the same college as Anish's just as he had asked me to, so we could spend more time together. I got through but things turned out to be different. He'd always keep busy with his lectures and practicals, and I'd always complain about how he'd hardly ever come to my lecture hall. I'd blame him for asking me to take admission there, and for promising me something he could not give- time. As for Sakshi, as time went by, she and I lost touch. I tried calling her repeatedly, she wouldn't return my calls and once or twice, when I did get her on the line, she would say she kept very busy and hardly found time to breathe. Her behaviour puzzled me but I couldn't do much but let go.


Then one fine day, as my classes had ended for the day and I was about to go home, I ran into Geet. We began talking, I asked her about her family and we strolled around the area chatting away. In the middle of our conversation, she told me of a girl she thought Anish was in love with, and she was talking about Sakshi. I shuddered. Though we had never declared our love to each other, I knew I was THE ONE. He never once mentioned any other woman in our conversations. I ignored her suspicions and went on with my life, with just as much love to give. But I kept hearing of this, time and again, from some source or the other. So once, when Anish and I were coming back from the sea face where we'd always spend hours talking, I asked him if Sakshi was any special. He denied. I trusted him blindly. In a month's time though, when a dear friend of mine told me what all he'd heard from Anish, I couldn't help but confront Anish again, and this time, he confessed to being in a relationship with Sakshi, for almost a year.

My world came crashing down. I felt shocked, hurt and angry all at the same time. I had no one to blame... After all, he never said he loved me, did he? It was a castle I built all by myself. I cried and cried till I could do no more. Knowing the facts, I still missed him dearly and I cried myself to sleep every night for a year, half cursing myself to believe he loved me, and half hoping all of it weren't true... I later made my share of mistakes by trying to get back to what never was mine. It was difficult. I could never love again.

When I look back now, I thank my stars. I have no regrets. Had this not happened, I would never have known what falling in love is. Now I know. :-)

23 comments:

kelly said...

so true

alphabetworld said...

Truth or fiction? Either way, very 'real'! :)
Hold on! Love's never hard to come by! It's always lurking around :) Easiest thing to fall in and out of!!!

Harsh said...

its surely one of those things which can make or break your life .... stay away from the kiss of love .. :|

Sakhi said...

O bete!! I have a competitor now!! :D :D

Awesome hai re!!

/-\я∆√ĪЙÐ |{яî§hnÅn said...

Was grippin..... dts y its said.. To feel love's keen sting !!
I know exactly how you feel.... havin gone thru a similar thing miself.. bt its a better ending nw.. [:)]
God Bles U dear,,, 1 day U'l find sum1 who loves you d same way u loved sum1 els.. I hope dt dat day U are nt blinded n recognize him- Ur Mr. Right !!!
tc.. cheerz !!!

Sunny said...

Love!
I think best thing one could have in life is being loved, rather than loving someone.

If story is Fiction, believe me you have a done a good Job. And if its true, you have done the best to yourself.

Let your stars guide you the way! to a person with gem of heart, and love for you.

Anubha said...

@kelly
Welcome to my blog! :)

@alphabetworld
Easy, agreed. But losing your FIRST love hurts!!

@Harsh
You bet... and this surely made me stronger!

@Sakhi
Thanks!!! :) Aur competitor kya re, tu toh is maamle mein GOD hai !!! ;)

@Aravind
Thanks, I think it's these experiences that help us recognize Mr./Miss. Right !! God Bless You too, take care! :)

@Sunny
Welcome to my blog! :)
I believe the best thing happens when both- loving and being loved co-exist! :)

Kunal said...

o damn... i cud relate to this so well :P

well written...

Reema said...

nice story. so u too? :)

Smallstar said...

hello...
glad to know you...
I'll add you in my links..


*hugs and kisses*

alphabetworld said...

This "first love" concept is a fad, I tell you! Stop believeing in it...and welcome your second love with a clean heart. It'd be even more special than the "old" first! ;)
It's all in the spirit!

Anubha said...

@Kunal
Hehe, thanks and welcome to my blog! :)

@Reema
Thanks.. and yeah! :D

@Smallstar
Welcome to my blog :)
It's nice knowing you too!! :)

@alphabetworld
Hehe yes I guess you're right! :D
What I meant is- The first heart-break is always difficult to deal with. Subsequent ones are easier because you know how to deal with them then! :) And thanks for that, I too hope it turns out to be special and ever-lasting! :) Take care, get well soon!! :)

Smallstar said...

hi, dear...

how are you?

it's everything ok?


*hugs*

JD said...

I was able to visiualise the whole story and relate to many of da feelings..I believe there r 2 sort ov reactions that ppl give in luv..A - Emotionally involved, connected, commited kinda pll & B - "Thik hai", practical kind of ppl..I guess "A" category wale zyada suffer karte hai (not travel.lol)..I m 1 ov them 2..I have a huuuge list of crushes :P but lately wen I have started 2 KNOW SUM1, i feel lyke, it was worth losing the last one :D

It feels shyty wen these things happene..but sum shyts r worth happening i guess !! ;)

PeAcE

Anonymous said...

After long time reading your blog ... apparently this is a very common feeling/experience/encounter among many of us ..... No one is to be blamed ..... for whatever may be the reason you have let your self out to ppl around you .... nothing to worry about it .....
"Inn bade bade desho main choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai Sanorita !!!!! "

ok have gulp down more than couple of pegs of Laphroiage .... time to hit sack ....

take care
NN (No Name)

Smallstar said...

have a sweet and lovely weekend...

*hugs*

Anubha said...

@SmallStar
Hiee i am fine, how are you? You too have a great weekend! ;) Have fun!!

@JD
I think I've always been the first of the two you described, but such experiences make you strong! :)

@Anonymous
Yes, quite a common experience..! :)

Smallstar said...

@Anu:
awwww thanks honeyy!!

I am well, just a bit sad...

*hugs*

Viral Gandhi said...

Hey, Nice Work..
Seemed so real...
Seemed So Mine :)

Anubha said...

@Viral
Welcome to my blog :)
And thank you so much!!!

Aditya said...

Baap re!!!
if that was true .. i felt like watching movie!!

i don't whats ur concept abt "love" .. but i think its all abt compatibility at the end.. but yeah as u said its good to experience it once (only if is at the level u described it, coz i've seen examples where it becomes really difficult to get back to life..) neways mast nicely written.. :)

Anubha said...

@Aditya
heheheh yes we should always learn from experiences :)

shivapuribaba said...

wow what a story
rise in love
dont fall in love
sait