Friday, April 14, 2017

Life on the other side of 25

They rightly say that the mind goes through puberty in the twenties. Life is the most stressful I believe once you cross the age of 25. I have been struggling since then, trying to fit into old structures that worked for me (which obviously won't work now, but I am often unable to see that things are changing, and I don't know how to deal with the changes, so I keep going back to old methods).

 For instance, I love staying in Mumbai, in my home. It is the place where I can be most comfortable and relaxed but as I grow up, I realise that sometimes this routine just does not work for me. I can't drop everything at my convenience and go like, "The shower can wait. I need to write this down and get this out of my system." (Going through this at this very instant). Even if I do that, I can't shake myself off the guilt of not having showered before a certain time, not having woken up at so-and-so time, it just piles on and on. I like having a routine but often, I realise that my body demands that I go to bed early, it demands more sleep, it demands not eating a heavy meal at night. It can sometimes get difficult to meet these demands and form your own routine within a structure of a family. You may have to make certain compromises such as not sitting down for a meal together, and that just feels odd to me. And this is just one of the many compromises.

Society does not make living easy for you either. There are constant questions and advices, pointed at you or your parents, of the manner- "When are you getting married?", "Why isn't she getting married or even asking to meet guys?", "Take her to a psychiatrist.", "Why don't you just take up a fulltime job? It is more stable."

Sometimes I feel like it should be possible to get into the body of someone for a day and just live that person's life. We all wouldn't be so 'judgy' then. I do get the concerns of the generation before us. They come from a different time, have lived different lives, maybe they are even wise and are advising what may be right for us. But sometimes, I really wish they were better empathisers or listeners than just dropping advice or pointing at solutions. Not generalising or blaming, sometimes they too have their own insecurities but even so, take it from any 25+ year old, all we want is for someone to understand how we feel and try to feel the same things as we do, and then just point us to where we should look to live life better just for the next moment, not what we should see. We don't  need to know more than the next moment, and slowly we'll get there. We'll find our paths that way, they may or may not be different than yours. Now, I feel like the Guru-Shishya parampara in India back then was so valuable. Too bad we lost it, we're left now to find our paths by ourselves. And the worst part is that, more often than not, we don't even let ourselves do it. There is societal and peer pressure alright, but there is also some self inflicted pressure. Maybe we have picked that up in modern schooling and competitive environments, but it's something we really should unlearn for our own mental peace.

Work is also something I struggle with a lot. I don't struggle as much with doing the work than I do with exploring opportunities that are presented in front of me. I have realised that I can't always communicate freely with people that offer opportunities because of a certain corporate language or a formal manner of speaking which creates a wall between them and me. I never know how to communicate in such cases. I wish it weren't so difficult because I like working otherwise. I wish we didn't feel the need to put up a different personality / pretend when dealing with professional matters. It can be done with ease and naturalness, or as we say in Yoga, "sahajta".

These days I spend most of my time just managing my anxiety, trying to "be". The world around is constantly moving, demanding my attention 24/7. I juggle between meeting the demands of the society (which are also important for me in some sense i.e. earning money, attending certain events etc.), managing my emotions by way of Yoga / meditation, spending time with friends etc. Most of my energy is spent just in managing emotions, anxiety and fears. And then I spend more time ruminating over not being able to do things for my friends or people I care about, because of this anxiety and general feeling of being unwell. I also wish I had "free" time to explore my hobbies or other activities that I can put my heart into. By free time, I mean energy and mental space.

I think I am finally at least slowly letting go of holding on to old structures, trying to make way for new things and new methods, being okay with doing things differently. Yes I do, from time to time, get reminded that my life is not perfect, especially when I cannot answer questions put to me by my parents or society. On marriage, on stability. It reminds me of how screwed up my life is, but I also know that putting energy there won't help solve the problems. I need to be accepting of all that it is, in the way it is. I also need to stop "moving away" and start "moving towards". Though I know all this in theory now, putting it into practice is a matter of huge habit change. Sigh, one step at a time.

So that's how it's like being on the other side of 25 for me. That, and the fact that I am not so comfortable revealing my age here anymore.. afraid of being judged, afraid that I haven't accomplished as much as I should have. I don't know who decides these "shoulds" but until I unlearn everything, I don't think I will be fully comfortable with who I am.

I'm still on my way ( I hope!)

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Checking In

So I never thought I would write in here again.

Whenever I think of writing a new post, I think about how it would link to all my old posts and how I would explain this gap!! But I don't think I should be looking for continuity anymore, should I?

Anywayyy, it doesn't feel like a whole 2 years have passed since I have blogged here.

A lot has happened since then but I somehow never found anything significant enough to document along the way.

Maybe it is because I have been struggling putting myself into moments completely. I get immersed into very few moments lately, and I want to change this.

Umm, so to briefly update, I lived in another city (Bangalore) for 4 months in 2016, didn't like it and moved back to Mumbai. Still experimenting with finding a career / something I love to work on and have also got back into practising basic Yoga on a regular basis.

Friendships have taken a different turn now. The circle has reduced but I like that there is more purity in it now. I used to find my identity in my college group, and had some trouble dealing with the separation of a few, but realised that some things have to change and some people need to be away if they have a tendency to make you feel bad about yourself to feed their own habits or desires.

Lastly, I discovered a new found interest in classical music, due to a band that I started listening to on YouTube called "Maati Baani". You should totally check them out!! They combine elements of Indian classical music with music from across the world, and the result is pure brilliance. I started listening to solo classical tracks by Nirali Kartik, the lead singer of the band on YouTube and fell in love with pure Indian classical music.

Other than that, life feels a bit stuck somehow. I hope I am moving, though it has been this way since over 2 years now.

For 2017, I want to fall in love, find something to do that sustains me long-term, gain the ability to find peace in every moment (learn to relax), be able to make clear decisions for a better / peaceful life and generally be healthy.

Don't know how often I'll write in here. But this was nice.. :)

Sunday, February 22, 2015

State of my Mind

Don't know what I'm waiting for,
Often I can't breathe,
I am lost, in search of
some missing piece..

All the wants in the world,
all of them require me,
to have someone that shares those wants,
that can provide some company..

It's strange how I crave to be alone,
Sitting with friends who let me be..
And strange how I start wanting my friends,
When I find the one that completes me.

Needless to say, when I'm alone,
I move in circles, can't stand my head,
Try to make sense of all this and more,
Can't find myself, then someone said..

Why don't you write? Just write all of it.
And as I wrote, I found myself.
But I lost my peace when I realised..
And went again in search of self..

How do I stay in between those lines?
In that space where I find me.
So that I may do more things and not
just keep going in search of me..

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Zenfone!

I don't do a lot of gadget reviews usually but when this campaign came up, I thought I should pitch in, given my pleasant experience with the Zenfone over the past few months. A lot of friends keep asking me about it too, and one of them even bought it very recently, after looking at the one I have!

I bought the Asus Zenfone 5 from Flipkart on the day of the Big Billion Day sale.

It's a 5 inch Gorilla Glass screen with a 2 Ghz Dual Core processor, 2GB RAM and 16GB memory. It has a 8 MP camera with LED flash.

So here's a few reasons why I like my phone:

Sleek and smart

As always, looks are important, even with technology. I can be quite a girl like that!! The body of the phone is really sleek, with a smooth back. The screen is large enough (5 inches) for one to comfortably see a movie (not that I use my phone for it) but not humongous so as to make one feel like you're resting your head against something when you're answering the phone.

Front camera

Good quality front camera (2 MP) - has a reputation of clicking amazing selfies!! My friends can vouch for this!

Battery life

I can afford not charging the phone for a day. It depends on the usage though. It's a 2110 mAH non-removable battery, with a talktime of 18 hours and 30 minutes.

Clean UI

Most people who've used Android phones before really seem to like the UI, especially this screen with the quick access to most used settings.

As compared to the Google Launcher, I also found the Asus Launcher to provide a more spaced out app screen:

It can be changed anytime ofcourse.

         The Home screen

No lags

I haven't experienced a lot of lags while operating the phone. There was minor lagging a couple of times when I was playing one of the games, but I cleared some memory and it was gone.

Even money wise, I think you get twice of what you pay.

Just one little complaint - when the battery is low and you're on the phone talking to someone, the default setting is that it vibrates too loud, right on the ear!! It is highly annoying when that happens. Let's see if I can find a way to tackle that.

So that's it from me about the Asus Zenfone 5. Quite happy so far and I'd totally recommend it!

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Things that define me.

When I was little,
everyone would ask me,
"When you grow up,
what will you be?"

I never had answers,
And confused it would make me.
"I cannot tell you now,
but I'll be happy."

I never had an ambition,
A "work title" as one would say.
It just never came to my mind,
As I would live by the day.

Now I'm much older,
To tell, I have stories!
But not just one would say,
What makes me, me.

When I sit down to think about who I really am, I paint a very confusing picture in my mind. Truth is, I had a long phase where I sought identity and was always disappointed to not find one, in the sense, I wasn't able to define myself with just one thing. I often get lost when I seek identity and now, I realise that it's okay, it's not possible to have just an identity and even if you do come up with one, it can be quite limiting.

If I really think about it, I feel I am so many people at once.

I think I am a dreamer first, a writer next, when I started writing poems and stories as a child.

I became a blogger when I found the channel in 2007.

My work life has mostly involved computers and though I have been seen in work environments as a technologist, I have also occasionally written and designed, and in that sense, I call myself a creator!

I'm the author of two short stories published in a book.

Sometimes, I go trekking with my friends and don the hat of an adventurer.

My hair forms a large part of my identity too.. Born with curls which then grew into smooth waves as I got older, and now are curly again, I've experimented with hair a lot - right from colouring, straightening to embracing their natural form again!!

Hair stages! :P

I like music a lot and though I am not a "dancer", I put on my dancing shoes sometimes and like to swing to music. I took up dancing classes a couple of years ago and got myself trained in three levels of ballroom dancing.

I am an explorer, a philosopher as I sit down with my friend Akshay or even Nikhilesh and chat with them hours together on life and all that's in it.

A traveller when I go on trips with family, friends, or occasionally, even alone!

I am a tea enthusiast and love experimenting with teas. Over a cup of tea, I dip myself in the bliss of solitude, in hours of loneliness as well as in interesting / warm conversations with friends!!

I am a fun loving friend when I am with Nimit, when all I can do is laugh and crack Kindergarten level jokes!! I love gifting, throwing tiny surprises and making people happy.

To sum it all up, there's a lot of things that make me up really and as each day passes, I am even more new things! Needless to say, I think I have stopped looking for the one thing that defines me now.

Like a friend once said to me, "Maybe your one thing is a million little things!"


This post is a part of #UseYourAnd activity at BlogAdda in association with Gillette Venus

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Musing over Melbourne

When I was a little girl, whenever my dad asked me where outside of India I wanted to go, I'd always say "Australia". I don't know the reason myself. I might have seen glimpses of the country in some sitcom or maybe they did an episode on "Lonely Planet". We used to see Discovery a lot in my childhood.

It grew off somehow over the years and now, a couple of days back, when Indiblogger announced the "Fly to Melbourne" contest, I decided to go look up places in and around the city!

So here are a few places I'd like to check out if ever I get to visit the country's capital!

Royal Botanic Gardens

Have heard that these gardens provide an Alice in Wonderland sort-of experience which gives one enough reason for one to go and experience it. A walk in these gardens would be heavenly, if there indeed are naturally wondrous things to see and feel.

Not too fond of display gardens, I would like to spend most time in the nature sanctuaries. I would consider signing up for the Aboriginal Heritage walk though, if it means knowing more about these sanctuaries!!

The Shrine of Remembrance

The shrine is interesting, in it, it has stories of the war. Originally built to commemorate the men & women of Victoria who served in World War 1, it's now for all Australians who served in war.

They say that there is a marble stone inside on which is engraved "Greater love hath no man", which, quoted from the Bible is a version of "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends". On November 11, also called as Remembrance day, at 11 a.m., an opening in the roof lets out a ray of sunlight on the word "Love".

The Great Ocean Road

I'd like to go for a drive on the Great Ocean Road, stopping over to see the 12 Apostles, then maybe for a short walk, to see the Bay islands and experiencing the food culture in the many towns here.

Wouldn't want to miss out on seeing historic lighthouses, the ancient rainforests.. I think a good trip on this road would last atleast two days.

Brighton Beach

When I saw the picture of this beach, the bright houses immediately lit me up!!

I don't know if I can stay in one of them, but they sure look inviting..

Australian Centre of Contemporary Art

I think I'd like to make a trip to the ACCA to view international as well as Australian artwork.

I kind of like how oddly shaped the building is!!

Besides Melbourne, if I do get a chance, I'd like to go visit the Daintree Rainforest, in Queensland.

I looked at the pictures, and the lush green is too inviting!

I like green places.. and on a lighter note, this also reminds me of "Honey, I shrunk the kids" for some reason!

To be honest, I wouldn't say I love Melbourne but this just gives me a chance to go, explore!

And now for a small surprise - there's something in this post for all of  you readers. Aside from me taking part in a contest, you can also take part by telling me which of the places in Melbourne you'd like to visit from amongst the ones that I mentioned, along with a reason why!! The last date for doing so is the 4th of January, 2015 and you stand a chance to win a shopping voucher worth INR 500.

So, go on, tell me.. :)

Monday, December 15, 2014

Feeling free and making mistakes.

This year has seen a lot of movements and a struggle of a certain kind.
As it closes, I can see it better.

Fixing my life up to achieve some sort of perfection has been an obsession - the right way of living life, the imagined "ideal" state to be in, pursuing an imagined definition of  a relationship / career..

At times, I have found it necessary to give in to my fears. And in that, I have found some freedom. It felt like I was making a mistake and yet I didn't want to stop myself from doing it. People might deem me stupid but I see it as - I was trying to live with making mistakes.

Maybe that's what we all need somewhere. Freedom to make mistakes - freedom from our own judging selves.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Festival of Lights

Haven't been coming here too often because I have been running out of things to write about..

Not because my life is *full* but more so because it has been mostly passing by me, much like a movie .. I watch it but often find myself unable to get involved.

Today, after a long time, I felt the warmth of the light within me - what people like to call "faith" or "belief".

The questions stopped. Felt comfortable with myself. It wasn't magical or something - it was very normal, yet so good. And it stayed on for most part of the day.

It's been five years now since this light has been flickering - my faith has been shaky. I like the times when it stays. It gives me strength to act. Too bad it doesn't stay too long but every now and then, it comes back to give me hope.

Happy Diwali one and all - let the light in you always shine and shine bright.

Monday, August 18, 2014

The blog awakens!!

People have been asking me why I haven't been updating my blog of late.

I have no clue as to why myself but I can say these past four months have been very different. I have done everything new and nothing of the usual.

So much has happened in life I don't know where to begin.

It's like a sudden dash of everything new.

Shooting for the 'Happy' video (which is still not done!!), joining a workplace, meeting new people at both, making new friends even outside of these worlds, considering a relationship, considering going abroad and the likes. And oh yes, I also went on holiday.. almost forgot!! (That needs another travelogue though.)

A lot has begun and a lot has been left half way.
Things left half way clutter up in the head.
The empty time I find in between is also quite restless. Yes, I find empty time in between that I manage to spend in tasks that drain me out even more.

So, I'm putting on weight, eating at improper times, sleeping at odd hours for odd durations, struggle to work and still don't manage to get things done well. Also, I end up late for everything.

Making decisions is the hardest ever. I am bored of the familiar and not ready to take in the unfamiliar yet. I need something that drives me to the unknown. No clue what. So a lot of times, I just move around in circles. It gets tiring after a point and I feel like nothing is important. Nothing at all. As if all that I am doing, I am doing just to pass time and that I haven't found anything worthwhile to spend time on yet. Even that brings so much restlessness!!

Amongst all this chaos, I do find dashes of 'happy'.

I don't know how long I'll keep going in circles. This restlessness sometimes seems endless. And life just feels out of sync. But moments like these make life bearable and fill me up with hope. Wish for more of such and want to see fuller times again..  I'm hoping it'll all fall in place one day.. and till it does not, I'm hoping I'll always find hope.

Until next time.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

The Lil Flea

Food, live music, pop up shops, workshops, short films and all the hippy-ness, it was a well spent Saturday (6th of April) at The Lil Flea, a flea market on Bandra Reclamation grounds.

We reached at around 6pm though I wanted to get there sooner.. it was too hot to leave home before 5pm, I doubt if Bombay has been as hot before as it is now.

We were surprised to find a long queue outside and sure enough, the place was crowded inside..

I managed to take some pictures:

There was so much colour everywhere..

And yes.. kids!!

This one looks a bit tired.. but I was told she is usually a great poser!

Ah.. hair accessories <3 comment-3--="" nbsp="">

We had cupcakes and then at The Lil Flea Cafe, some yummy dessert (Mango Cheese Cup) by The Bell Pepper.

As it got darker, the live bands were more active and people gathered to sit & listen..

They were also showing short films in a tiny part of The Lil Flea cafe. I liked this part the most. It was nice and cosy. The films were funny.

It was fun seeing so many different artists, some taking pot painting workshops, some selling & teaching how to make dream-catchers. There was a Poi artist who was demonstrating poi but wasn't taking a live workshop. She explained there is going to be a workshop later (look up Mad Poi if anyone's interested).

We really had fun at this place where they made boards of different hash tags. Lots of people were seen clicking pictures with these.

I clicked a few that represented different expressions.

Clicked one of Rahul that said "Follow Me"!

I liked how they did up every corner of the place with bottles, flowers and fans..

... made the place all the more colourful !!

Small Fry Co. along with Visual Disobedience is coming up with another such fun event tomorrow at Kala Ghoda- Arty Party. Check link for more details! :)