Safe little world

I usually avoid posting shared images from Facebook here, but this is precisely how I have been feeling for a while.

Then, I read this post by Marina Keegan (a Yale University alumni) : http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/ that I could perfectly connect with.

She talks about what the opposite of loneliness was for her, how scary it is to step out of it, and how it is never too late to make a new beginning.

The opposite of loneliness for me for a long, long time was my safe little world.. it composed of :

College friends

Tea with college friends at the regular chai wallah, after bunking a lecture or at the end of the day

Hanging out with my old buddies

 
Having family to keep me grounded

And for almost the past couple of years, someone who loved me very very much (my source of strength and weakness both)

I was happy with my world and I thought it would last forever.. I clung onto it.. Perhaps, I also often took it for granted. Until late, I realised that nothing lasts forever.

So much has happened in the past year. College is over, friends are slowly moving on with their lives, those that are still there are away from me in terms of distance (considering I am in another city), that someone has moved on with his life too, I am away from home (by choice, but can't do much about it right away)- from my beloved city, it seems like everyone is far away and going ahead with their lives except me..

Life was so much easier when I was 17 or 18. I had a sense of hope, friends to back me up, to laugh & cry together with.. and I used to feel I have a lot of years ahead of me to change my life. Even until last year, I felt free with my safe world around me. There were no expectations, no pressure in terms of having a proper job or a proper boyfriend. That freedom actually made me think wisely and take better decisions.

Now though, especially since the last year (right after college got over), I feel the need to hurry- which does not give me time to really know what I want from life. I am making all the more mistakes now because I think I have to be perfect - that I am not a kid anymore - that I have to figure my life out as soon as possible - that almost everyone else have already found themselves and are moving on.

The post however says that 22-23 is not too late to make a new beginning. It isn't sinking in so easily though. Is it really true? Will I make it? Will I feel young enough to make mistakes again? I want to feel that sense of possibility, that fearlessness.

I thought it'd be awesome to finally be free from college, be away from home.. be able to do what I want to do. Instead, it's confusing, scary.. sometimes overwhelming but mostly scary.

I never thought it would happen, but I guess it's time. It had to happen. And I have to deal with it.

My safe little world is broken~

News

So much has happened throughout the week.. I have one good news, one bad news and some lessons learnt.. I'll share the bad part first so that the good part is well received :)

The visa I was talking to you about in the last post - got rejected :( I have no clue why it would get rejected but the letter said that I either did not demonstrate strong ties in the United States or was presumed to be an immigrant !! I was really upset at the way things went. I thought I atleast deserved a detailed explanation. I had more information to offer than what was asked. Just didn't think it was right to offer it without being asked for it. All they saw at the embassy was my passport. I really think they should give you a chance to justify your reasons rather than just flatly refusing you a visa. You can't claim any part of the visa fees or ask them to give you a proper reason. All you get is the rejection letter. What if someone really needs to go? To see their dying relative for instance? Do they not get a chance to prove they are indeed telling the truth? I strongly believe there should be some processes for the same..else, it's very sad.

Funnily though, the letter was typed in English on the front side (where it was stamped and signed) and Gujarati behind.. Thought Marathi was our second language!!

Still figuring out whether I should re-apply. Will take a call today.

I have been dealing with too much this week.. just not able to recognise why I am behaving the way I do. I cannot eat well (which may not be a bad thing, I lost a lottttt of weight!), feel weak & tired all the time, get up scared in the middle of the night & have trouble going back to sleep.

Realised a few things though..

A lot of times, I used to put the other person before me- thinking whether something would hurt someone- without sometimes thinking about how it would make me feel. I used to feel guilty and miserable about having hurt the other person even though it was purely unintentional. But now, it's just me getting hurt without anyone getting affected by it or even stopping to think about it. Suddenly I'm left stranded alone where I thought there was so much love once. I did not even get the help I needed.. The extremity of it is just not sinking in. It is something I'd never do to anyone- no matter what. It's the worst feeling ever..

The last one year has been tough. I know now for sure that it wasn't me living it at all. It was definitely someone else trapped in my body. Feels weird.

To someone I know-

"I always told you I don't know you after all this time. How could I know you when I didn't even know myself then? You asked me to trust you and hold your hand. How could I trust you when I didn't trust myself?"

I guess it's too late but I'm picking up the lessons learnt. Trying to have more faith in myself each day so that I may have faith in another. Trying to love myself so that I may love another. 

Sometimes, even when two souls seem to have the same rhythm, it is the timing that plays a role in bringing them together. If it is not the right time, you cannot try to make it the right time. You cannot control nature. I should also stop living in illusions..

And looking at the present situation, I feel that though love can give you strength, it also has the power to take it all away from you making you feel like nothing. It is only the love from within that is forever..

Just read the following piece on Cynduja's blog. I had come across this blog a long time ago, but only today I sat to read all of the posts and each one of them are so amazing! Discovering something new and good to read is such a joy! I am adding this blog to my blog roll right away! So here's the piece~


"How something can feel so wrong and feel so right?
How being so fucked up can seem so straight?
Is doubt only a product of certainty?
A certain something you certainly want but can't pay the price for?
I am bidding goodbye to an alternative future,
But I am so in love with it too;
So I am secretly hoping that these two roads will meet somewhere;
That I can have a bit of both; that I realise both were not too different somehow;
That I picked the better one.
It would kill me, if I find out the other road filled with more things I want; but I picked this one instead because it was just the right thing, for all the wrong reasons
But the good thing is that for every road you take; the alternative is only in your imagination. Life is but one and what you have is all that you've got!"

Wasn't that a touching piece? I too hope somewhere in the future, I will cross this road I am about to leave.. and see what it had in store for me. I hope someday we meet and laugh over it together, knowing we couldn't have been righter. I hope there comes about a moment of peace. For I could never go without finding out what this alternative future had in store for me.

Something else I read on the same blog--

"There's an acid test to find out if you love yourself. See how comfortable you are with somebody else loving you."

It's indeed true that you can never be fully comfortable with someone loving you if you don't love yourself first. Even though you might like/love the other person.

That is when letting go gets difficult.

Right now, I am missing home and the comforting hug of my friends and especially my mom - for it's the only thing that puts me to sleep. I get scared of even going to sleep these days.

Now for the good news--

About two years ago, I had participated in a short story writing contest organised by THE MAG (http://www.magcontest.com/). They had said that besides three cash prizes, twenty winning entries would get published. Had submitted three stories and was jumping with joy when the two of them got selected - to be published!! :)

After a long wait, I finally received the copies last Saturday. Here they are-

I quite like the intro they've added after the stories too! :)

Isn't it great?? :)

Speaking of books, something weird happened today. I always have the habit of looking up old actors and actresses of the sitcoms I used to watch - like just last week, I googled Vicky from Small Wonder and found out she had left acting and is a nurse now. Michelle from Full House is all grown up but doesn't look as cute as she used to. And Fonzie from Happy Days is too old to pull off his cool "Aaee" attitude but looks dashing anyway. Anyway, so coming to books, I saw a cover of one of the books from the "Famous Five" series online somewhere.. and wondered what George Kirrin (one of the Famous Five characters) must be doing now.. and then realised it was only a book - not a part played by someone real. It was a strange feeling indeed..

Anyway, I wish I could share the copies of the book with all those who made it happen. They did say that they are trying to make the book available on Flipkart and Infibeam, so let's hope for the best! :)