Mom!

I shifted sides and kept ruffling the sheets. I was sweating and panting for reasons I did not know of. I kept closing my eyes tight and tried counting sheep; I still don't know why we're asked to count sheep to fall asleep when all you can see when you close your eyes real tight are stars and small circles. My head started to feel heavy. I didn't know what was going on. I had been having small anxiety attacks for a very long time now, and I was afraid they'd never stop. And then an arm patted me, and within five minutes, I was sleeping like a baby. The touch of an arm could do what counting sheep.. err stars, reading a really boring book (my OOAD textbook) and calling a friend could not. That arm was my mother's.

I've always wanted to write this since a very long time and this BlogAdda and PringOO contest(http://blog.blogadda.com/2010/05/05/mothers-day-tribute-to-your-mom-contest) has finally given me a chance to!

Very often (or atleast for me), it's really awkward to tell your own people how much you love them. Ironically, it's easier to tell friends you love them than the people you grew up with, those who raised you, loved you and put up with all your little tantrums!

I had always been more close - rather, more open with my friends than family. I just can't express my love to them even though I want to. But the only person who I could really count on 24/7 when I had a nervous breakdown almost a couple of years back was my mother. Even though talking to friends helped a lot, and I'm so thankful they understood me, my mother's love was enough to get me through the day, do my daily chores, put me to sleep. I needed a lot of love then, and I needed to feel safe somehow. Nothing or no one could give me that love and sense of security except for her. That's when I agreed to the saying that a mother's love is the only love that's unconditional, for she doesn't expect, she just knows to give.

I used to feel guilty at times for not giving her the love and attention she deserved for so long. And honestly, she used to get on my nerves when she'd say something to me in front of other people, or say something weird in front of my friends. I'd get angry and say something absolutely meaningless just so that she'd stop talking or go away. I started feeling bad for the way I thought and behaved; the guilt was too much to take. But all of that just went away when we were together. Her touch was enough to let me know she understood and loved me nevertheless.

In my late teens, when I had been hiding a lot of stuff from her (which I usually don't anymore) and she found out, she didn't slap me or shout at me like anyone who trusted you with all their heart would. All she said was I would get into trouble if I continue with whatever I've been doing and that though she understands, she does not approve of it. What I did about it later was my call. I got my answers soon, and sure enough, she was right about whatever she had said.

I'm glad that she gave me the freedom to make my own mistakes and to correct them. I'm glad that she never punished me, though the shame that I felt on her understanding the situation and not reacting as I had expected her to, was punishment enough to drill some sense into me.

Sometimes, I doubt whether I really love my mom as much as she does. I mean, whether I'd really do as much as she has done for me. I'm pretty selfish that way. I still argue and fight with her sometimes but I don't really want her to think I don't love her. She tends to think that way when we get into a fight and it hurts me very much. I'm sorry for all those times when I made you think/feel I don't want you- but it's not true. I don't know why I'm in tears as I'm writing this.

I better end this here. I love you mummy, and more than that, I need you with me, though you may never really believe that. Happy Mothers' Day! 

I guess this is it then. Thanks Blogadda and PringOO! I believe I have already won- if not this contest, then surely her heart today- with this post.

P.S: As part of the contest, if I win, I'd love to gift her an apron/mug with the PringOO design that's on the left sidebar on my blog! :)