Age - just a number?

Recently, someone at my workplace asked me how old I was and I told him my real age. He was shocked and after confirming it with me, went on to say I don't look anything more than 20 years of age. That got me thinking.. I never really felt my "age". I never gave it a thought. I mean.. I look 20 (except that I am gaining weight day by day :( ). I *feel* 20. I live my life as if I were 20; meaning as if I have a lot of years ahead of me to settle down in terms of a relationship, a career, in life..

I am so carefree at times and feel like a kid in a lot of ways inside, so to believe or even say how old I really am is kind-of difficult, scary and just plain weird. It feels like I am a few years behind time. I don't know if anyone has felt this way before. It's as if the number doesn't suit who I am inside. :-/

Since that day on, whenever I am completely lost in the moment, playing TT at work or cracking jokes with my colleagues, I suddenly get reminded of my age and start analysing my behaviour !!! :S It has made me a little conscious and has made being myself difficult :S

It made me think whether age is really just a number like most people say it is. And whether there really is an age to do everything.. like they say you should start behaving in a certain way when you're 21+.. or in the way our parents behave when we cross 30, because parents are all grown-up and grown-ups should behave like grown-ups.. I am really afraid I'll continue to behave and feel the way I do inside till I breathe my last.

On my mind..

Merry Christmas. For those who don't know, I recently joined a workplace and it has been keeping me busy and away from posting here. The reason for not putting news up about my workplace anywhere would be I have no clue as to why I am working. As insane as it may sound, I question myself time and again as to why I am working here, what purpose am I serving, is it adding to my happiness, is it making me "feel" good.. and I never get answers.  Right now, I am just planning to stick this out and give it my best till I find answers. The place is good, the people are good, but it's been over a month and I still don't feel the connection. Know what I mean?

Sometimes I just get frustrated with myself for being like this but I have decided to try not to be hard on myself anymore. I mean, it's okay to be confused, it's okay to change your mind, it's okay to not know who you are, right?.. Even if it's not okay, I don't think I care anymore. These couple of years, I have just been trying to fix things or change them. It's just that I believe that being confused is wrong/bad, being emotionally weak is wrong, not stepping out of your comfort zone is wrong. I guess I need to rework on these beliefs somehow or I am never going to be happy with who I am :(

People judge me for not having an ambition or a definite goal. I may not have an ambition to get rich or move up the professional ladder but I do have other smaller goals like buying myself a really nice bottle of perfume with my own money, or saving up to travel. And seriously, what's wrong with that?

All through our childhood, we are asked what we would like to become when we grow up.. All through our lives, we are asked what our ambitions are.. All job interviews come with the "Where do you see yourself five years down the line?" question. Everyone tried teaching us to plan ahead, to think big, to behave well. No one taught us to live. If only more focus was placed on "being" than "becoming".