Monday, December 26, 2011

On my mind..

Merry Christmas. For those who don't know, I recently joined a workplace and it has been keeping me busy and away from posting here. The reason for not putting news up about my workplace anywhere would be I have no clue as to why I am working. As insane as it may sound, I question myself time and again as to why I am working here, what purpose am I serving, is it adding to my happiness, is it making me "feel" good.. and I never get answers.  Right now, I am just planning to stick this out and give it my best till I find answers. The place is good, the people are good, but it's been over a month and I still don't feel the connection. Know what I mean?

Sometimes I just get frustrated with myself for being like this but I have decided to try not to be hard on myself anymore. I mean, it's okay to be confused, it's okay to change your mind, it's okay to not know who you are, right?.. Even if it's not okay, I don't think I care anymore. These couple of years, I have just been trying to fix things or change them. It's just that I believe that being confused is wrong/bad, being emotionally weak is wrong, not stepping out of your comfort zone is wrong. I guess I need to rework on these beliefs somehow or I am never going to be happy with who I am :(

People judge me for not having an ambition or a definite goal. I may not have an ambition to get rich or move up the professional ladder but I do have other smaller goals like buying myself a really nice bottle of perfume with my own money, or saving up to travel. And seriously, what's wrong with that?

All through our childhood, we are asked what we would like to become when we grow up.. All through our lives, we are asked what our ambitions are.. All job interviews come with the "Where do you see yourself five years down the line?" question. Everyone tried teaching us to plan ahead, to think big, to behave well. No one taught us to live. If only more focus was placed on "being" than "becoming".


Sanjita said...

Oh wow! I dont believe this.. This was jus echoing off my mind! Well.. join the club! :D I've been a member of this club for long now! For a long time, I was feeling that probably only jackasses like me feel that way! Interesting to know that I've some interesting company in this seemigly unending quest of a purpose! ;) Could do more on some more views.. :)

JD said...

It's ok to feel anything u want to, it's UR LIFE. NO-ONE Can tell u how u should live, but u. U will always have an ambition/hope to be something as long as u r living, it just may not be similar to what majority of people on this earth wants, money, fame, power, blah & blah ! U should be happy, people pay in thousands to monks, gurus or yoga teachers to access ur state of mind.

If u have a dream not to chase the worldly goals, protect it. THERE ARE NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAYS TO LIVE, THIS AIN'T A GAME, always remember love. I'll keep checkin on u until December, let's see who gets there first :)


*hugs & kisses*

Priyank Shah said...

Hi... If you have watched ZNMD, you might know a dialogue by Katrina Kaif when she says, "I just want life to surprise me everyday" and it is actually that way.

No need to think upar, niche, aagay and of course peeche ;) Be the way you are, be it confused only, being natural is the way to go.

Life will always have plenty to offer, just keep expecting. Have fun and enjoy!

Take care :)

Osci said...

I feel "Are you happy with what you are doing now?" is the right question than "Where do you see yourself five years down the line?" I'm sure u'll figure out where you wanna go from here rather than think abt where ppl want you to be :)

Anubha said...

Haha I think all of us in our twenties feel this way.. And knowing we have each other gives us all the more courage to go through this stupid phase! :) We'll get there someday ;)

Jay-Deee :P *hugs back* and thank you sooo much for everything! I have already started living THE life. It has more downs than ups but I am slowly letting it all go.. Wish you the best of all things too!! =) You deserve them!

Guess I know the secret to your always-playful nature now! :) It's easy to say but hard to implement, especially for someone like me who thinks a lot when not required! But I hope to get there someday.. Btw, welcome to this space! :)

What if the answer is always "no" for a long time? You then begin to think there might be something wrong with yourself. That is the phase I was in for so long. I'm making things better for myself little by little.. I too hope to figure out what I want from life soon :)

Sanjita said...

@Anubha :) I dont know.. but yeah definitely hope to make some peace soon. Sometimes this feels like something more than a passing phase. But trying to make best of it! It definitely makes u wiser! How i wish we could grow wiser without growing old! :P Aws.. great piece! :)