Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bombay Tweets

Had got a forwarded email a long time back about Bombay, and people kept adding a line or two about this wonderful city to the list, and kept passing it on. Was tweeting from that list the other day (#bombay) and got requests from many Bombayites asking me to mail the entire list to them. I don't really have anyone on my mailing list, so I thought I might as well put it up here, so everyone can read them! Enjoy :)

P.S. The list is too long, you might wanna read it in installments :P

You know you are from Mumbai (Bombay) when--

1. You say "town " and expect everyone to know that*this means south of
Churchgate.

2 You speak in a dialect of Hindi called 'Bambaiya Hindi', which only
Bombayites can understand.

3. Your door has more than three locks.

4. Rs 500 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

5. Train timings (9.27, 10.49 etc) are really important events of life.

6. You spend more time each month traveling than you spend at home.

7. You call an 8' x 10' clustered room a Hall.

8. You're paying Rs 10,000 for a 1 room flat, the size of walk-in closet
and you think it's a "steal."

9. You have the following sets of friend: school friends, college
friends, neighborhood friends, office friends and yes, train friends, a
species unique only in Bombay.

10. Cabbies and bus conductors think you are from Mars if you call the
roads by their Indian name, they are more familiar with Warden Road,
Peddar ? Road, Altamount Road.

11. Stock market quotes are the only other thing besides cricket which
you follow passionately.

12. The first thing that you read in the Times of India is the "Bombay
Times" supplement.

13. You take fashion seriously. You're suspicious of strangers who are
actually nice to you.

14. Hookers, beggars and the homeless are invisible.

15. You compare Bombay to New York's Manhattan instead of any other
cities of India.

16. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

17. You insist on calling CST as VT, and Sahar and Santacruz airports
instead of Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport.

18. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

19. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
toes.

20. Being truly alone makes you nervous.

21. You love wading through knee deep mucky water in the monsoons, and
actually call it ''romantic'.

22. Only in Bombay , you would get Chinese Dosa and Jain Chicken.

23. You always argue with Delhites than Mumbai is way better than Delhi

24. You still refer to the city as Bombay not Mumbai. (credit Opher
Moses 24,25,26)

25. When you love bragging about the filmstars and cricketers you've
seen

26. When most of your freinds have underworld connections

27. Every three months you look at your street and say "Why're the
digging the road again?"(Credit Nandan Babla 27-32)

28. "Change" is "Chillar", "Ditching" is a "Kalti" and "Trouble" is
"Jhol".

29. "Gheun Tak" is your life ideology.

30. You have been shoo'd away from Marine Drive at 3am by the cops
because of an "Unlawful gathering of persons"

31. You actually pay for your rickshaws by the meter.

32. You actually think 30Rs for a Sada Dosa is pretty reasonable.

33. when you spent 6 hours of your day in school and another 3 hours in
tuitions. ( Dipen sheth 33-36)

34. if you ever went to fashion street, got a pair of cheap jeans and
had them tagged as a name brand.

35. if you played cricket matches against another building for 5 rupee
bets.

36. if you lost tons of MRF rubber balls.

37. when u call cops ;kaka' and they let u go if u show of ur marathi
speaking skills ( priyanka shenoy)

38. amitabh bachans house is a landmark

39. You have been to matheran or mahabaleshwar during the summer
vacations

40. You see men (not gay apparently) holding hands and walking in the
street. ( Prashant Parikh 40-49)

41. The note to coin changing machine at Churchgate station is idolized.

42. During cricket season all the roads are blocked because people in
the streets are looking at television screens in display windows.

43. Automatic vending machines have a sales person sitting next to it
just to help you.

44. There are more movie tickets being sold in black than at the ticket
office.

45. It takes longer to get off from your house to the station than from
one end of Mumbai to another by train.

46. Every cab and rickshaw driver makes small talk with you

47. You see Herd of people walking at four in the morning to Siddhi
Vinayak temple.

48. 'Bun Maska' and 'vada pav' is the staple diet of most collegians.

49. HORN OK PLEASE is written on every truck, tempo and heavy motor
vehicle.

50. You cant drive for more than 10 mins without abusing someone (
Rohini Tekchandaney)

51. "townies" think they need a visa to go past worli to the suburbs

52. When u use the word "yaar" in almost every sentence u speak.
(valencia dmello)

53. You call onion as "kandha" and potato as "batata" (Kavya)

54. You think of a spicy tangy snack whenever you hear the work chat
(Gila Ward)

55.You are back to work next day after the city is bombed - Truly the
spirit of Bombay(Romit)

56. you call the cabbies n waiters BOSS (Aneesh Angadi)

57. abuses like chu**** . madar****. Bhen***... are the words whic u
have to use in each sentence yyou speak

58. you prefer wada pav by jumbo king anyday on comparision wid Mc
donalds burger

59. Each monday you go for either bowling or pool.

60. u enter mocha/ barista/ ccd lookin all posh but sit with one drink
for 5 hrs till they politely ask u if u "need anythin else"(Sonali Kokra
60-62)

61. yr pricipal form of entertainment are all the aunties who scream
obsceities at each other at the drop of a hat and threaten to pull the
others hair/ push out of the train at 11 in the nyt!

62. yr idea of a full body massage is wat u get while trying to get off/
board a train at dadar!!!

63. At 3am in morning you can still get wadapav or butter pav
bhaji(Aditya bengali)

64. When there's no place to breathe in the trains but there's place to
play cards and sing bhajans!

65. when the traffic almost makes good frnds wid the person in the car
next to you.(Aneesh angadi)

66. You know what the term "video coach" stands for in the local
trains... (aditya bengali)

67. You snigger every time somebody says "Im going to Grant road!"

68. u call the policemen "MAMU" OR "PANDU" (ronak panani)

69. random strangers butt in wen u r discussing cricket o politics or
even chicks 2 give their personal (unwanted) opinion (Harsh)

70. You say that Pani Puri is waayy better than Gol Gappa's even when
they're the same thing(70-75 Dhavan Vora )

71. There is always one 'pan-wala' on the corner of street

72. You keep spare candles in the kitchen just in case there's a power
surge.

73. To you, your watchman doesn't have a name - you just call him
'watchman'.

74. You aren't surprised when somebody throws a water balloon at you
while you're walking on the streets during March.

75. You know of certain theaters where you can go for A-rated movies
with your friends, even when you're under 18.

76. whn u r standing at a bus stop near juhu beach and sum random guy
comes up to u and says " boss" short term, long term chahiye kya
(saatvik)

77. When every rickshaw looks like a personal disco, with neon lights,
loud music and pictures of film stars.(amrryn)

78. seeing "Mein Kampf" being sold openly on the streets in abundance
seems like a perfectly normal thing to you.(Patrick Weyers)

79. you have to pay international roaming fees when you use your cell
phone outside of Mumbai.

80. you can only smile forgivingly about the size of any other city in
the world.

81. you consider the local train "empty" when you find a spot for your
two feet to stand on.

82. when someone asks u "east" or "west" side of a particular station?

83. when there is a saffron rally every 3 months , n u just wonder ,
whats it all about , u jus went to vote , 3 months ago , n they r
holding elections all again?

84. when "chalta hai" is the most commonly used word

85. when u see hijraas/eunuchs at street asking for u to lend them some
money , with a very very catchy one liner : eeeee deeeeeeeee naaaaaa
usually on fridays.sometimes men even get grooped when they dont pay 'em

86. when u can find hukkas for use at a coffee shop the equivalent of
starbucks (Vishal prabhu)

87. when u never cross the road at a zebra crossing

88. when u can always find a car that has a dent or scratch on it

89. When u find cars on the Road even at 4 in the morning(Trish bose)

90. You never learnt how to stand in a queue

91. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

92. Every time you speak Hndi in front of a Delhitite they have the WTF
expression on their face.

93. You have hung on to dear life at the local door.

94. You still refer to a car / vehicle full of girls as "Maal Gaadi" -
left over from the "Ladies Special" days...

95. You take the "Weight and Your Future for Rs.1 only" machines at the
stations seriously. ... At least the Future bit, it always exaggerates
about the weight.

96. When while giving directions you say "Right/ Left MARO aur wahan pe
ek bridge GIREGA"

97. when you actually see random people coming to help you when u have a
problem

98. .when u can take a piss at the local shouchalaya for 50paise and a
dump for 1 re

99. When you think everyone who lives to the south of you is a snob and
to the north of you sucks

100. you behave like a foreigner in any other part of the country
(hurray !!! 100)

101. u see couples cosying up in rickshaws in almost every small lane

102. u want to get into the train already that is already in motion & u
have 5 hands taking u in..

103. When you instinctively say "pudhey challa" instead of saying agey
badho or move ahead.

104. You meet Delhiites in a foreign country and feel no sense of
kinship with them!

105. Chal, paka mat!" is an overused part of your vocabulary

106. here "maall" is a gurl n na goods

107. Crorepati, Lakhpati, Hazarpati, Chillarpati all travel in local
Trains daily.

108. You log on to social networking sites and search for Bombay-related
groups!!!(manas)

109. u treat mumbai as a country itself (Danny)

110. You drink 2 sips of tea called 'cutting' more than thrice a day
(Bhakti)

111. You call a corner 'khopcha' and a cigarette 'sutta'

112. u think tht delhi copied INDIA GATE frm mumbai's GATEWAY OF
INDIA...(Akshay)

113. masseuses on juhu beach come out only after midnight n cops get
free massages frm them

114. when you see the dabbawallas on the station and fishwali kolis in
train (amrita)

115. when u c movie names like "shootout at Lokhandwala" & 'Ek chalis ki
last local" & don't have to ask wot the name means(gauri)

116. when you call the BEST bus, BST, even though BEST is painted on
every single public transport bus operational in Bombay (prajay)

117. when we compare our mumbai-pune expressway to the autobahn and our
cab drivers to the indian schumacher.

118. you know 'bhai' means a guy who has no brotherly feelings. (partho)

119. you know that 'khamba' does not only mean pillar

120. when you call a watermelon "Kalingar" instead of "Terbus"

121. Making a loud kissing noise is how you tease girls in Delhi, but
making that same noise is how you hail an autorickshaw in Bombay
(Shivani T)

122. The rest of India calls it namkeen----you know it as farsan
(Shivani T)

123. You don't differentiate between U.P. and Bihar. All you know is
that's where the 'bhaiyas' come from (Shivani T)

124. if someone calls u "aap"-- u start laughing on their
faces...(gunjan)

125. You get felt up every time you get into the general compartment
instead of the ladies'.

126. You get photographed at three parties and you're suddenly a page 3
regular!

127. When your lunch is delivered hot in a tiffin at exactly 1pm from
home every working day.

128. when u have an account with tha paan wala for cigarettes on credit
your outside home & work

129. when u r stuck in traffic even at 1:30 a.m

130. You see two office-goers play a game of cards in your evening local
train.

131. When you look out for pandu's lurking behind the odd tree or signal
post before you take your illegal left/right/U turn.

132. you go to a Goa beach and your kids dig pot holes in the sand
instead of buiding castles! :-)

133. When The only landmark the president of US wants see is Dharavi
(Ahad)

134. When you have no objection in ghoosofying in a line (admissions or
train tickets) but shout loudly "Maaaaro!" when you see someone else do
it (Sanket)

135.When ... you have argued with the TC that traveling first class
after pass expires is legitimate since you havent processed the railway
concession yet!

136. jab facebook par bhi bambaiya hindi chalti hain yaar

137. When even at 8 in the morning you can see couples sitting and
cozying up at Marine Drive and Worli Seaface

138. When you use the phrases, 'Chillum-Chili' and 'Chili-Mili' and are
not talking about a spicy dish (Shivani)

139. You know what "Dimag ka dhai kiya" and "Shot lagaya" means (Abhishek Bhat)

140. "Dhakkan" means "Dumb" and not Lid, "Fek raha hai" means "He's bluffing" and not Throwing .. (Anubha Bhat)

141. You talk in units of time.. -- When someone asks you how far a place is .. U say 20 mins, instead of 4 kms.. (Anubha Bhat)

14 comments:

Ankur said...

nice post.

Akash said...

Didn't get time to read the complete post but must say from whatever I read, many things are similar in Delhi :)

Also the last point is really funny, I have also encountered to this a number of times(of course in Delhi) and it's really funny coz it depends on a lot of other factors too...

Akash said...

Again in Delhi, people take it as a shame if they don't know the route asked by someone... so whether they know or not, you will always get an answer only to stuck urself in a trap...

Harsh said...

bade dhaansu points likhe hain baap !!! :-P

Anubha said...

@Ankur
Welcome to my blog :)
And thanks! :)

@Akash
Hehehe no one can read it all in one go, you could read it little at a time.
And I am already bad with directions. Will definitely get lost in Delhi then, what with people misguiding me! Will have to be careful! :)

@Harsh
bole toh ekdum fatte na ;) :P

Chiranjib said...

Haven't been to mumbai, so can't validate! but quite an interesting and long list, no doubt!!! :)

alphabetworld said...

Whoa! that was a loooong list. Here's something i got recently:

Only local train passengers in Bombay will know how helpful commuters
try to be...... Last week, a hapless victim fell prey to the over enthusiastic Bombay's local train commuters.

Our hero, a man from Pune, wanted to go to Matunga, but as luck and Trains would have it, boarded a fast train not halting at his destination. He panicked on realizing his mistake but by then the local had started moving. On seeing his plight, a sympathetic co-passenger decided to come to his rescue.

It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular train (6:03 pm Kasara Fast) for the past 6 years and had noticed that the train always slowed down just before Matunga station and crawled at a snail's pace while passing through it. He told the man to jump out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit of fleet-footedness, he would make it safely on terra firma. However, knowing the man's inexperience, he added some words of caution:

"Keep running the moment you jump or you'll fall. Just keep running." He stressed the word "running" lest the man not know the laws of motion.
The train did slow down just before Matunga station and at the prompting of His mentor, our hero jumped out of the train and started running as if allHell had broken loose.

What he didn't realise, of course, was that he was running parallel to the train instead of running away from it. Meanwhile, the train slowed down further, so that the man was running faster than the train. In the process, he reached the door of the next compartment and the footboard commuters there pulled him in thinking he was trying to board the train!

To his agony, the train picked up speed and sped past Matunga and his new
co-passengers started to congratulate him on how lucky he had been, until he told them that they had actually undone what he had done with greatdifficulty.

Those standing at the door of his "ex-compartment" had witnessed the whole drama and just couldn't stop laughing at the poor man's situation, while he grinned sheepishly!!!

Mumbai Diva said...

whew!!

awesome, awesome list. left me laughing. and all of them are absolutely so true.

Anubha said...

@alphabetworld
LOL :D :D
That was HILARIOUS!!
poor guy..after actually getting help from both compartments, he gets jacked! :D
Well yes, people here are indeed very helpful; experienced that during the 26/7 floods, the 11/7 and the 26/11 bomb-blasts! :)

Good to see a comment from you after so long.. you seemed to have disappeared! :)

@Mumbai Diva
Welcome to my blog :)
And thanks! :)

/-\я∆√ĪЙÐ |{яî§hnÅn said...

kewl as ever yaar.. had read similar stuff bt it wasnt half as large as yours...... just makes 1 feel ders so much we do unconsciously wn it cums 2 Bombay n dt v r ALL Bombay-ites regardless of anything us.. its this which unites us [:)]

Thnxx Anu- enjoyed this post a lot !!

Anubha said...

@Aravind
You're welcome dear, glad you liked the post!!! :)
We'll always be united...Salaam Bombay! ;)

Mohit Nanda said...

Awesome collation! Some were really tounge-in-the-cheek ones and wow... these seem to have covered true spirit of the 'Maximum City'.

Although, few would be true fr other Metros (including Delhi) as well but nonetheless a great effort.

[managed to read entire post in one go. Maybe i was too vella :P]

Niraj said...

had been to mumbai just for couple of days... but most of comments... could relate..

bhavin said...

yehh ......i can use this page as proof for the fact that a mumbaikar pulling legs of delhite is common n natural phenomenon.