Monday, September 21, 2009

Me, Myself and I

I was dicy about writing something so personal, but there are certain things that have been eating up my already messed-up head for quite sometime now and I thought I should vent them out here.

Last night, I hated myself for the person I've become in terms of emotions and feelings. I almost lost a friend of mine all because of me- my state of mind and my inexplicable feelings.

Till last year, I used to be the kind of person who would give 100% to every relationship; my friends meant the world to me! I once even declared I'd die without them, I feared losing them. And now, I seem to have taken a step back from everything. I do feel like making friends, getting to know them well, spending quality time with them, but when they get too close, I just sort-of drift away. I can't explain this, nor can I understand this myself. And the more I wish for this to change, the more it happens.

There are a lot of other things about me that I can't find answers to. I feel shy to express certain feelings that everyone else does openly. I've always wanted to tell my mother how much I love and need her, but I can't get myself to telling her that in a way that I really mean it. There's an odd kind of shyness involved there. When my brother was leaving to go back to the States last month, I wanted to hug him at the airport just like my cousins did, but I couldn't do it as openly as them. When my Ajja expired, I couldn't cry for the first hour. When I did feel like crying, I held back my tears, then felt choked by the lump that had formed in my throat. I couldn't just weep openly though my mother cried bitterly in front of me. At times, I also feel choked by the attention my relatives give me though I know how much they love and care about me.

Expressing oneself is comparatively always easier with friends than with relatives. But I think that's because they are relatives and we are SUPPOSED to be nice to them (out of no choice). Reminds me of a line Rehab quoted: "I think I am nice to the people I don't have to be nice to, because those are the ones I want to be nice to". Not generalising, but it just might be the one of the reasons why we feel more comfortable with friends than SOME relatives.

I just seem to have turned emotionally blunt now. I fall in love with something, and the next minute I push it away. I have been trying to accept myself, and I do feel much better than the past few months. But the thought of me pushing someone away after getting them so close is itself scary. I would never want to be responsible for someone else's heart-break. I can't live with the guilt. It's too much to take. And hence, how much ever I want someone close in my life, I hesitate and fear my own self. That kind of loneliness bites me but I feel helpless.

I wish we could all just feel what we want to feel.
When people apologise, we should be able to forgive them and erase their sins completely, and not feel like we've forgiven them only on a superficial level.
When people fall in love with us, we should be able to love them back the same way. Why do one-sided relationships have to exist?
The feeling should just come by the thought of it.

But I think that's where the mind and the heart differ. And the battle between the two is the fiercest of them all.

Peace will come when the equilibrium is achieved...

P.S: I'm glad I did (wrote) this! I feel a lot better now!


Harish Krishnan said...

This is what I have always said and will continue saying. You are different but you are the best! You rock! Glad to have met you. As I have always said, this phase will also get over and you will come out of it smiling as always :)

Reema said...

((hugs)) cheer up!

Anonymous said...

No one is perfect dear! Stop worrying so much about everything and enjoy life! Cherish the presence of others in your life, be it friends or relatives or even acquaintances...

* Winds Of Change * said...

umm..good u blurted it out..da pain iz unspeakble i knw hw it feels..good u haf learnt the art of it 2ssay out things it realli does makes us feel at sum point of time the words da thut cums the gud part is v can resist it v cn fight it by speaking ito ut cuz v haf done it already..U jusat need to understand ur self around ppl who knw u more who can undersatnd u more than u actulli can dis will help u out..u r trying ur best to be good and u r u realli are..u can fite anythn i knw thuts r a small part of it..t.c Bhangii god bless u always mwahh :)...

fivefeetsmall said...

shit happens....
things get back to the way the were..
sometimes thinking less helps..

JD said...

"Why do one-sided relationships have to exist?" - WOW! I wish every1 on my crushlist had thought the same :)

Dunno y most feelings that u wryte I can relate strongly to them..but I would be last person to answer any of these question..However, first one to join ya to know 'em :) Post a blog wid da solution to deez..lets see whu does it first me, you or no1 of us ;)

Da only thing I do in these sort of situations is to tell my self that everything is good, and if it is not shaping that way, perhaps it will eventually be better than any expectations!! TC


Anubha said...

Thanks dear, I really hope I come out smiling :)

Thanks, I will! :)
**hugs** to you too.

Hmm yes people do say I think too much. Wish I could stop doing that!

@Winds of Change
Ah! Bhangi! You're back to my space! :D Well thanks a lot.. God Bless you too! :)

Welcome to my blog Mugu! :)
Didn't know you blogged too. Loved your blog! :) And yes, I should start thinking less, but it's difficult. It's me after all! :D

Haahaa.. If I had a solution, I probably wouldn't have posted this in the first place! :D

But yes, I too believe that everything works out well eventually.. so dekhte hai ! ;)

Kuruvi said...

Happens when you are alive and living, then that is what we call Life!

Unknown said...

Hmm... u've put everything perfectly!!
I used to think m the only one who thinks/goes through this..

Happy to see someone like me.. But i've realized, we use our grey cells more than the "ever pumpin heart"..
May be that makes us sad as we want to do something n we do something else n the ghostly "guilt" keeps haunting us!!
But its also true "U cann't make everyone happy" .. So Chillllllll... :D ;)

It was really nice experience to read u (ur blog :)).. u got a new follower!! :D

Anubha said...


Thanks :) And welcome to my blog! :)

Welcome to my blog :)

We should start listening to our heart more often to keep away all that guilt from haunting us :)

That's what the wise ones always say- "Listen to your inner voice", "Be true to your conscience". It has all started to have some meaning now :)

ADITYA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ADITYA said...

"Easier said than done"... :D

Using 'Brains' makes us more practical.. generally thats how ppl want u to be (atleast when they are not sufferers :))..

Neways but u gave me a solution (i guess thats what u also wanted :)) go get rid of the guilt.. lets try to follow ur advice.. Cheers!!

Anubha said...

Yes, it makes us more practical but we end up losing ourselves in the process. We always hide our inside from the outside.
It's best to follow your heart whatever may be the situation! :)

Check this poem by a friend of mine, she is barely 17 years of age, I could relate to every word of it: Pretence

Abhang said...

You are able about these things at your age... that itself is great .. great thoughts .. i m speechless... (after d last para)

Anubha said...

Oh I just think too much! :D
Well, thanks... :)