She!

She smiled when she noticed him looking at her from the corner of his eye, and how he looked away, embarrassed, when she caught him doing that! It was the third time now. Since the last one month, his head was not where it should have been. He was in class merely in the physical sense. There was a lot going on in his life other than just Socket programming. He was already frustrated by the field he had chosen for himself and he had felt life had nothing more to offer. For the past five days, however, things had been different. Maybe it was her. No, let me rephrase that- it WAS her. He didn't know what it was about her that made him feel so hopeful about himself, so safe, so peaceful. He had barely managed to catch her name a day back, he wasn't sure if he had heard it right. It was either Priya or Supriya. He hoped it was Priya. "Priya" was sweeter, just like her!

He'd come to class everyday now, surprising his professors who'd usually cringe at him for being so laidback and unpunctual. He had a reason now, and he'd run to class on days that he'd get late, hoping to be allowed in, just once, so he could get a glimpse of her. It felt heavenly. He could easily carry on with the rest of his day knowing she was there. Her presence had a lasting impact on him. There were a few times when they bumped into each other at breaktime or in between two classes, but strangely, neither of them would feel the need to talk. This communication was different. There was so much said only with the eyes that somehow, talking seemed unnecessary. The language of the soul is truly remarkable! And at times, when she'd pass by brushing her side against his, he'd get blown away! His world changed. He looked at things differently, he surprised himself by scoring straight A's in all the subjects he had chosen for himself. He realised he was happy and enjoyed every moment of his life.

Summer holidays were approaching and Priya had already started bunking classes. He felt anxious not knowing what had happened to her and desperately wanting to see her. Days passed and there was no news of her. No one knew where she was. He became increasingly restless. Soon the term got over and the holidays had begun. He did all that he could to keep himself busy and happy. His life was a little on track now thanks to her and he realised he had to get on with it. He would see her after the holidays, he could wait till then. And he was right. Soon after the holidays, as he went to college for the next term, he saw her at the gate walking towards class with a couple of books in her hands, and her trademark embroidered jhola slung on her shoulder. But something was amiss. He couldn't place it. There was no serenity on her face any longer, and she seemed pale. It was painful to see her like that. And just then he noticed her hand- the ring! He never remembered seeing it before, he was too afraid to ask. He just knew. She was married, she had to be.. but she didn't seem happy at all!! He wanted to ask her a lot of things; a whole lot of questions came to him, he was just about to approach her for the first time in the four months that he knew her. And as he went closer, she walked away. Never to return to college again.

He couldn't tell what had happened that led her to get married so soon; he could only guess it could be parental pressure. Atleast that's what her friends thought! He was depressed but he knew he had to accept it. She had come in for a purpose, and it was served. Now it was time to move on, to pursue what he had discovered, to live the life he had almost given up.. if it weren't for HER!

A Piece of My Mind - II

Picture this:

You go to your family friend's place with your 7 year old daughter and she is happy to have met you after so long. She greets you with a plate full of mithaais including a few methi laddoos that you're not very fond of (methi laddoos are supposed to be bitter-sweet). Nevertheless, to keep her happy, you tell her that you love them and go on to gobble a couple of them to convince her you're not lying, while your daughter makes a face and tells your friend it's bitter and she won't have it. And then you think "She could get away with that, she's a kid!"

What is it about kids that make you want to forgive them for anything that they do ?

And why do we start wearing a mask by the time we cross adolescence ?

Is it because of social acceptance?

Is it because we want to be loved, and we think by pleasing people we'll somehow achieve that?

Is it because we are afraid of who we really are, or hate ourselves for how we are inside?

Why do we hate our inside from the outside?

I think the best part about being a kid is speaking your heart out- without giving a single thought to the consequences thereafter. Kids just do what they want to do, they don't have to think about the society, what their friends think or what their family thinks. They know what they want and they have it by any means. If they don't want something, they simply say "No" without giving a thought to what the person will think/feel. It's their genuineness that makes you want to forgive them for whatever they say or do, because you know they speak from their heart and don't hold back anything against you.

Where does all that go away then?

I think, as we grow up, we build a bubble around ourselves. Rather, I'd say, we build a wall around ourselves. A wall made of opinions of people, the way they think, the way they perceive us, and of course whether our views will be accepted by them. And if they aren't, we tend to manipulate our own views in ways we don't even realise! Result? We end up losing our own selves, our own voices. We are stuck in a trap we have built by ourselves. We are scared because we are all alone, we aren't kids any longer and will no longer be forgiven for our actions. We feel we need the people around us, we need their approval. We need them because we don't want to feel we're alone. We are scared of not being accepted and loved by the people around us when they don't really care and we end up living their life- a life based on their views and wants.

It's only when we break free of this bubble and listen to our heart that we'll be truly happy.

It's hard to break free, it's hard to let go, hard but not impossible!

Let's all start listening to our hearts. Let's see people for what they are from within. Let's not hide our insides from the world. Let's all become kids again.

P.S: Posting about something that you wished you did feels better!

A Piece of My Mind - I

The other day, my mother commented on me being never satisfied with anything in life and I nodded my head in agreement. I pondered over what she and many others have said about me. So, maybe I'll never BE fully satisfied with what I get but isn't that human? What happens when we achieve total satisfaction? What happens when you stop wanting more things in life?

Life is always a pursuit of something. There is always a motive, a goal to be achieved that drives us to rise up early each day and go to work even if that means missing out on "FRIENDS", "MIND YOUR LANGUAGE" and "DIFFERENT STROKES" in the wee hours of the morning(*sob*). But seriously, if we stopped wanting more things, what would we be living for? We'd be doing our chores daily without ever knowing WHY. There would be no purpose to it and trust me, that can drive you crazy (SERIOUS!). We would merely exist, but cease to LIVE. What difference then between fauna and us humans?

Man is constantly in search of meaning, a goal, happiness and peace while animals lack cognition and live for survival alone. Many of us are satisfied with what we're doing but that fades away in time and we start wanting newer things and work towards achieving those. The confused lot (including Yours Truly :P) lacks a goal and hence, is always unstable. They want to dig a spoon everywhere to see which taste they like the best and they don't know which icecream bucket to start from! It makes you insecure, scared of your own self, unsure about yourself and everything else in life, and believe me, nothing can get worse than that. It needs a lot of control on the mind to be able to know what you want, to work towards it, to FOCUS! Not all of us are lucky enough to be born with a clear vision but we can certainly discover it.



We also need to understand and accept things that we feel we don't want (this one's for me-- trying to convince my conscience that "it's not that bad, it's okay, calm down"! :D).

It's strange that you can decide so easily for others but when it comes to your own self, you're puzzled. Discovering yourself is not easy, but once you've done it, life cannot get any better! :)