Friday, February 24, 2012

Thoughts ~ (Day 54 - Project 366)

I've listed a few things to do before I move out of the city (yes, I am moving out on Monday) :( and these days, I follow this list and I plan my days as per when I'll do what.

So today, I went to get my laptop fixed at mom's office. She works in a school and the computer lab engineer had offered to help. After a lot of trying to get the laptop work and taking pictures of the school with Chinky (it was my school till 4th grade while she spent her entire school life there), we met our old teachers, laughed and smiled at the kids, had lunch in the canteen and came back home. I might just buy a new laptop :P

I had a hair appointment in the afternoon. How I love to get myself pampered at the parlour! It was 2 hours of pure bliss.

I went to meet a friend from my old workplace post that. Had a really nice time talking to him. Also had kulfi after very long :P

Next I went to my cousin's place who stays in the same area. Spoke to my aunt for quite sometime over tea. My journey back home was amazing. It was around 10:30pm when I got into the train and there was just one other lady in the compartment. She too got down at Santacruz and I had the entire compartment to myself! :D

This is how I sat all the while :D

I've been reading this book called "Love in a headscarf":

I love the cover. It's one of the reasons I decided to read the book :P It even shines when you hold it at a certain angle. So, anyway, this book is about a Muslim girl brought up in London, in search of "The One". I haven't finished reading the book yet but so far, she has narrated her experience of the whole process. She decides to go ahead with finding her man the "arranged marriage" way and is constantly in search of "the feeling" in each one of her meets. No one really understands her except her mom and people keep telling her to be flexible about her demands saying she'll end up alone otherwise.

It's funny how I've started reading this book at the right time.. Just two days ago, someone from the extended family asked me if I was ready for marriage or to start looking for suitors. After I said "no", she went on to say that this process usually takes a lot of time. "Even if we start looking now, it will take another 2-3 years. You can start by just looking at profiles.", she said. I didn't know how to react to that. Right from the time I was seven, I dreamt of a relationship- holding hands, picnic baskets, handmade cards & gifts, once-in-a-while date in a restaurant with slow music, open air star gazing etc. Cute and perfect. This concept of an arranged marriage never appealed to me. I wanted things to be magical. I wanted my boyfriend to magically appear in front of me. "Things are not always like they are in the books or movies", people say. But for me, the "click" or "the perfect feeling" is important. I have spent a lot of time in quest of this "click" and sometimes, I do feel insecure. Silly as it may sound, this insecurity has even led me to force myself to generate that "click" with certain people that I have thought to be good matches and who have liked me. Trust me, that doesn't work.

At times when I am stable and happy, I really don't need anyone. I don't know if I want to marry. I do not think I am ready for marriage and I don't want to "settle" for someone. I still want to wait for "the feeling". But things like "you might end up alone" do scare me at times when I am feeling low. So, though I was against the concept and though I am not mentally prepared for marriage, I was tempted. I still said "no" in the end but I don't like the pressure that's building up. Even though I know that I am happy with myself most of the time, I am scared that I might start wanting someone in the future and by then it'll be too late and what they say might turn out to be true. So I am scared I will settle even though I don't want to. Get it?

I am curious to know who Shelina (the character in the book) ends up with and what she decides to do. Can't wait to finish the book! Won't blog about it just in case someone plans on reading the book. Wouldn't want to spoil it for them.

Right now, I have a lot of things on my plate to think in that direction. Moving out of the city is one. Also, I want to travel more, read more, create more, explore more!

By the way, this thought of moving out of the city has been eating me up. Everytime I think of it, my stomach rolls up and I divert my mind somehow. I don't even know if I am doing the right thing but I don't want to run away this time. I have to face it.

*cribs*.. I am in such an age where there are just decisions to make all the time.. decisions about career, relationship, life! I do not know what I really want to do or be, I am not in the "perfect relationship" that I always wanted and no clue about where my life is headed. It was all okay about a couple of years ago till I was in college. I was a confused person but I was quite okay with that. No one else cared about it either. But as I am growing up now, it's like- everyone is expecting something. They expect you to be responsible and to know what you want in every aspect of life. It is pressurising. Sometimes everything is so clear and sometimes it is so confusing that you just want to go hide yourself under a blanket for as long as you can so that you don't have to face the world.

Need a hug! Anyone?

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