Thursday, August 9, 2012

Thoughts..

It makes me angry and sad at the same time when some people don't always understand the way I feel. I mean- how can they not see that they are hurting me by their words or actions? It's not something I need to tell them. And yet, somewhere deep down, my heart still feels a liking, an affection for them.

Because they don't understand what they do.

I get that people can be good individuals but may not always be good with you. But it's still baffling how they don't understand what the other person might feel when they do or say certain things.

Maybe it's because we all are so different from one another.

For the record, I have started keeping a personal diary again, and it helps much more than blogging. I started blogging to write for myself but slowly, as it gained more readers, as I met these readers and as word spread to my offline world, I began to be judged by whatever I wrote.

And writing for myself has never been the same again.

Sometimes, it does work here but other times, I find myself stopping to think whether the next line will mean something to someone and potentially hurt them.

I did think of an anonymous blog at first but that too is prone to following the same cycle.

Also, there's a lot of joy & a sense of release in using your hands to write. Typing does not replace it.

It's fun keeping a journal again but not as much as it was during my teenage years. Back then, it was more about detailing day-to-day events. Now, it's more about thoughts, feelings and life.

I'm finally growing up, eh?

Well, all this does not mean I am going to bid goodbye to this blog. I'll always keep posting here. Will continue to write here as and when I feel like - just like I always have.

And if I feel like sharing some of the lines from my journal, I'll copy them here for all of you to read.

Adios for now.. be good and be happy :)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Slow down, you crazy child..

Know the sort of joy you feel when you fall in love with a song that's playing in the backdrop when you're watching a movie? And the restlessness that follows when you rewind the movie over and over to  find out its name?

Was watching "13 going on 30" on Friday night. I have always seen that movie in bits and pieces on TV.. Saw it at a stretch on my laptop for the first time. Beautiful movie..and the song had me floored! It's called "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Lovely lyrics, lovely soothing music!

I've shared the lyrics AND the download link here..

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Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?  

http://beemp3.com/download.php?file=1055411&song=Vienna (Download Link)

If you want to listen to it here:


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Love the lines-
"Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right."

So true!

For best effects, put on your pair of headphones and listen to this number past midnight.

P.S: Does anyone else think Jennifer Garner's body is like that of a man's body? I mean, I think her face is really cute but her body is so masculine!

Friday, July 20, 2012

dreams

picnic baskets,
flower bouquets,
holding hands in the rain,
dancing the waltz,
kisses on the cheek,
running in the park,
sleeping beneath the stars..

dreams are fading away.. there just isn't that longing anymore.
 thought i had a lot to give.. but perhaps i'm changing!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Caught in a whirlwind of emotions since the last few days...

Have you ever been afraid of moving on? I've been in a limbo since as long as I an remember.. Somehow, my mind keeps wanting to hold on to the "familiar" even if the "familiar" hurts. Moving on means letting go of the "familiar" so I can embrace the "new" but then there is this fear that comes in the way.

How does one ever take a leap of faith?

All of this took a back seat when I got a call the other day (Friday morning) from a close friend who informed me that Rehab passed away. It hit me in there..

Rehab and I weren't what you would call close friends. We had first met back in March 2009 at The Trident - Nariman Point for an event by Intuit and that's when I got introduced to her blog. I became a regular reader since mid 2010 and we kept meeting at Blog Camps, Bar Camps- exchanging smiles and ideas about blogging, books, BarCamp sessions and the like. Her blog is a glimpse of her positivity and love for life. And just like her face, it radiates a happy feeling. She wrote beautifully and I would always wait for her to post something new. It used to make my heart smile and fill me up with hope.

The last I had met her was when I was in Bombay for the last time - 17th June 2012. We were planning on organising a Blog Camp together. We had been exchanging emails regarding the same and when she didn't get back, I sent her another email at precisely the time she breathed her last. (Thursday, 5th July, 11PM IST).

She was a beautiful soul - one of the kindest I had come across. She was calm, kind and very helpful. and it's saddening that she had to depart so early.

This is the first time I have lost someone I knew fairly well (other than my grandfather, but in his case, we had accepted that it would happen one day). And the suddenness of it all is what hurts more. I hope her soul is at peace just like it was always, and how it was passed on to those who were touched by it.

Dealing with just so much all at once right now..I'm alternating between feelings of hope and despair every minute of the day. Waiting for something that will soothe my heart - something that will feel like home.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Sometimes I just want to hurt myself so that my heart can finally cry.. I just want to get hurt in the hope that all the sadness and anger inside me will get washed away forever.

Could totally connect with this.

I don't want to be here tonight. I feel so alone. Just can't get myself to sleep. Wishing I could be home asleep on my mattress, wrapped in my mom's hug!!! :(

Monday, July 2, 2012

She

She thought she had him forever and for always. She felt safe. She didn't realise her heart was hurting. She let him penetrate the wall that she had built anyway. She destroyed her life.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Whole or nothing


Truth or lies,
Virtue or vice,
Love or hate,
Good or evil,
Right or wrong,
Pure or impure,
Moral or immoral ...?

We?

Whole or.. NOTHING.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

pleaser's price

Spoke to Reeti after a long long time yesterday and during our talks, she told me that my basic problem lies in always trying to mend things- to fix them, to put an end to them nicely, to maintain friendly relations with people, to please everyone, to be nice..

maybe i do this because of a fear of losing people.. losing a place in their heart, perhaps.

I don't like it when things end or when they don't end on a good note.. but the more i try to fix things or try for them to be nice, the more i screw it all up.

sometimes i even bend over too much in order to keep things in their place.. trying to constantly control things around me so that they may be good and peaceful again.

Guess I should listen to my brother- "If you want something to be at peace, stop trying to fix it"

Not so easy to implement but it sure does make a lot of sense!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

What a girl wants

Just finished watching this movie ("What A Girl Wants") and I totally agree with it..

A mother's love comes naturally but what a girl also really wants (rather, 'needs') is complete love and acceptance from her father.. No questions asked, no judgements or comparisons made.. just love, trust and to be the most beautiful daughter in the world to him. For without it, there is always that void inside somewhere..a strange kind of emptiness.

For all the dads-to-be out there, make sure your daughter is *your* little princess! :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

independence

so, the weekend was spent in doing lots of random things-

I finally got a haircut (my hair is 2.5 inches shorter now) on Sunday in a really nice spa salon. Doesn't matter how awesome the salon is if the hair stylist is a pervert.. kept trying to have his way with things on pretext of checking the length of my hair! The other stylists were good but I had to put up with this one.. The manicure lady was nice though and my nails have an electric teal colour on them- something i tried for the first time!


Also met someone from Twitter - someone who follows my blog *really* well (Sanjita- I must say- I was impressed!! :) ). Was pleasant meeting her..

saturday was more about personal work,  shopping for food supplies, cleaning the room.. and most of all, stocking my food rack with the supplies i bought- i kept looking at it like you'd keep looking at a new pair of shoes or clothes you just bought.



somehow, even though i miss my friends & home terribly and i'd love to go back, looking at this rack gives me a feeling that i can provide for myself..

these last 3 months have been about managing my finances, searching for a place to stay, shopping for things like bedsheets, detergent & small utensils, paying the rent, keeping the room clean (which i never paid attention to in my own house and still never do when i go home strangely :P), buying fruits, milk & other food supplies every week..exploring the city, going back home once in a while.. and still saving up for self indulgence! it's a nice feeling being able to manage almost everything without really being dependent on someone else for it (okay my mom pays my internet bill but that's soon going to change too :P)..

now the only thing i want is being totally independent emotionally as well..i depress myself for no reason at all and then get worried about it too.. my mind gets the better of my heart a lot of times and i need to keep telling it that i'm stronger..something that used to come naturally to me until a few years ago!

also need to learn to stand up to people when they say something to me- something i suck at.

i have this weird tendency of trying to be honest or standing up for what i feel is right and at the same time trying my best not to hurt the opposite person (by trying to be nice).. trust me, that never works. Not only do you fail at your task of not hurting them, you also end up hurting your own self.

being *truly* independent is a lot of work than i thought!

All that apart.. what do you think of my food rack?

good job, eh? :)