I usually avoid posting shared images from Facebook here, but this is precisely how I have been feeling for a while.
Then, I read this post by Marina Keegan (a Yale University alumni) : http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/ that I could perfectly connect with.
She talks about what the opposite of loneliness was for her, how scary it is to step out of it, and how it is never too late to make a new beginning.
The opposite of loneliness for me for a long, long time was my safe little world.. it composed of :
Tea with college friends at the regular chai wallah, after bunking a lecture or at the end of the day
Hanging out with my old buddies
Having family to keep me grounded
And for almost the past couple of years, someone who loved me very very much (my source of strength and weakness both)
I was happy with my world and I thought it would last forever.. I clung onto it.. Perhaps, I also often took it for granted. Until late, I realised that nothing lasts forever.
So much has happened in the past year. College is over, friends are slowly moving on with their lives, those that are still there are away from me in terms of distance (considering I am in another city), that someone has moved on with his life too, I am away from home (by choice, but can't do much about it right away)- from my beloved city, it seems like everyone is far away and going ahead with their lives except me..
Life was so much easier when I was 17 or 18. I had a sense of hope, friends to back me up, to laugh & cry together with.. and I used to feel I have a lot of years ahead of me to change my life. Even until last year, I felt free with my safe world around me. There were no expectations, no pressure in terms of having a proper job or a proper boyfriend. That freedom actually made me think wisely and take better decisions.
Now though, especially since the last year (right after college got over), I feel the need to hurry- which does not give me time to really know what I want from life. I am making all the more mistakes now because I think I have to be perfect - that I am not a kid anymore - that I have to figure my life out as soon as possible - that almost everyone else have already found themselves and are moving on.
The post however says that 22-23 is not too late to make a new beginning. It isn't sinking in so easily though. Is it really true? Will I make it? Will I feel young enough to make mistakes again? I want to feel that sense of possibility, that fearlessness.
I thought it'd be awesome to finally be free from college, be away from home.. be able to do what I want to do. Instead, it's confusing, scary.. sometimes overwhelming but mostly scary.
I never thought it would happen, but I guess it's time. It had to happen. And I have to deal with it.
My safe little world is broken~