I was dicy about writing something so personal, but there are certain things that have been eating up my already messed-up head for quite sometime now and I thought I should vent them out here.
Last night, I hated myself for the person I've become in terms of emotions and feelings. I almost lost a friend of mine all because of me- my state of mind and my inexplicable feelings.
Till last year, I used to be the kind of person who would give 100% to every relationship; my friends meant the world to me! I once even declared I'd die without them, I feared losing them. And now, I seem to have taken a step back from everything. I do feel like making friends, getting to know them well, spending quality time with them, but when they get too close, I just sort-of drift away. I can't explain this, nor can I understand this myself. And the more I wish for this to change, the more it happens.
There are a lot of other things about me that I can't find answers to. I feel shy to express certain feelings that everyone else does openly. I've always wanted to tell my mother how much I love and need her, but I can't get myself to telling her that in a way that I really mean it. There's an odd kind of shyness involved there. When my brother was leaving to go back to the States last month, I wanted to hug him at the airport just like my cousins did, but I couldn't do it as openly as them. When my Ajja expired, I couldn't cry for the first hour. When I did feel like crying, I held back my tears, then felt choked by the lump that had formed in my throat. I couldn't just weep openly though my mother cried bitterly in front of me. At times, I also feel choked by the attention my relatives give me though I know how much they love and care about me.
Expressing oneself is comparatively always easier with friends than with relatives. But I think that's because they are relatives and we are SUPPOSED to be nice to them (out of no choice). Reminds me of a line Rehab quoted: "I think I am nice to the people I don't have to be nice to, because those are the ones I want to be nice to". Not generalising, but it just might be the one of the reasons why we feel more comfortable with friends than SOME relatives.
I just seem to have turned emotionally blunt now. I fall in love with something, and the next minute I push it away. I have been trying to accept myself, and I do feel much better than the past few months. But the thought of me pushing someone away after getting them so close is itself scary. I would never want to be responsible for someone else's heart-break. I can't live with the guilt. It's too much to take. And hence, how much ever I want someone close in my life, I hesitate and fear my own self. That kind of loneliness bites me but I feel helpless.
I wish we could all just feel what we want to feel.
When people apologise, we should be able to forgive them and erase their sins completely, and not feel like we've forgiven them only on a superficial level.
When people fall in love with us, we should be able to love them back the same way. Why do one-sided relationships have to exist?
The feeling should just come by the thought of it.
But I think that's where the mind and the heart differ. And the battle between the two is the fiercest of them all.
Peace will come when the equilibrium is achieved...
P.S: I'm glad I did (wrote) this! I feel a lot better now!