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I miss you.
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I miss me more.

Weak

Angry at myself tonight for feeling the way I do sometimes..

Tomorrow, I'm going to be awesome again.

Safe little world

I usually avoid posting shared images from Facebook here, but this is precisely how I have been feeling for a while.

Then, I read this post by Marina Keegan (a Yale University alumni) : http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/ that I could perfectly connect with.

She talks about what the opposite of loneliness was for her, how scary it is to step out of it, and how it is never too late to make a new beginning.

The opposite of loneliness for me for a long, long time was my safe little world.. it composed of :

College friends

Tea with college friends at the regular chai wallah, after bunking a lecture or at the end of the day

Hanging out with my old buddies

 
Having family to keep me grounded

And for almost the past couple of years, someone who loved me very very much (my source of strength and weakness both)

I was happy with my world and I thought it would last forever.. I clung onto it.. Perhaps, I also often took it for granted. Until late, I realised that nothing lasts forever.

So much has happened in the past year. College is over, friends are slowly moving on with their lives, those that are still there are away from me in terms of distance (considering I am in another city), that someone has moved on with his life too, I am away from home (by choice, but can't do much about it right away)- from my beloved city, it seems like everyone is far away and going ahead with their lives except me..

Life was so much easier when I was 17 or 18. I had a sense of hope, friends to back me up, to laugh & cry together with.. and I used to feel I have a lot of years ahead of me to change my life. Even until last year, I felt free with my safe world around me. There were no expectations, no pressure in terms of having a proper job or a proper boyfriend. That freedom actually made me think wisely and take better decisions.

Now though, especially since the last year (right after college got over), I feel the need to hurry- which does not give me time to really know what I want from life. I am making all the more mistakes now because I think I have to be perfect - that I am not a kid anymore - that I have to figure my life out as soon as possible - that almost everyone else have already found themselves and are moving on.

The post however says that 22-23 is not too late to make a new beginning. It isn't sinking in so easily though. Is it really true? Will I make it? Will I feel young enough to make mistakes again? I want to feel that sense of possibility, that fearlessness.

I thought it'd be awesome to finally be free from college, be away from home.. be able to do what I want to do. Instead, it's confusing, scary.. sometimes overwhelming but mostly scary.

I never thought it would happen, but I guess it's time. It had to happen. And I have to deal with it.

My safe little world is broken~

News

So much has happened throughout the week.. I have one good news, one bad news and some lessons learnt.. I'll share the bad part first so that the good part is well received :)

The visa I was talking to you about in the last post - got rejected :( I have no clue why it would get rejected but the letter said that I either did not demonstrate strong ties in the United States or was presumed to be an immigrant !! I was really upset at the way things went. I thought I atleast deserved a detailed explanation. I had more information to offer than what was asked. Just didn't think it was right to offer it without being asked for it. All they saw at the embassy was my passport. I really think they should give you a chance to justify your reasons rather than just flatly refusing you a visa. You can't claim any part of the visa fees or ask them to give you a proper reason. All you get is the rejection letter. What if someone really needs to go? To see their dying relative for instance? Do they not get a chance to prove they are indeed telling the truth? I strongly believe there should be some processes for the same..else, it's very sad.

Funnily though, the letter was typed in English on the front side (where it was stamped and signed) and Gujarati behind.. Thought Marathi was our second language!!

Still figuring out whether I should re-apply. Will take a call today.

I have been dealing with too much this week.. just not able to recognise why I am behaving the way I do. I cannot eat well (which may not be a bad thing, I lost a lottttt of weight!), feel weak & tired all the time, get up scared in the middle of the night & have trouble going back to sleep.

Realised a few things though..

A lot of times, I used to put the other person before me- thinking whether something would hurt someone- without sometimes thinking about how it would make me feel. I used to feel guilty and miserable about having hurt the other person even though it was purely unintentional. But now, it's just me getting hurt without anyone getting affected by it or even stopping to think about it. Suddenly I'm left stranded alone where I thought there was so much love once. I did not even get the help I needed.. The extremity of it is just not sinking in. It is something I'd never do to anyone- no matter what. It's the worst feeling ever..

The last one year has been tough. I know now for sure that it wasn't me living it at all. It was definitely someone else trapped in my body. Feels weird.

To someone I know-

"I always told you I don't know you after all this time. How could I know you when I didn't even know myself then? You asked me to trust you and hold your hand. How could I trust you when I didn't trust myself?"

I guess it's too late but I'm picking up the lessons learnt. Trying to have more faith in myself each day so that I may have faith in another. Trying to love myself so that I may love another. 

Sometimes, even when two souls seem to have the same rhythm, it is the timing that plays a role in bringing them together. If it is not the right time, you cannot try to make it the right time. You cannot control nature. I should also stop living in illusions..

And looking at the present situation, I feel that though love can give you strength, it also has the power to take it all away from you making you feel like nothing. It is only the love from within that is forever..

Just read the following piece on Cynduja's blog. I had come across this blog a long time ago, but only today I sat to read all of the posts and each one of them are so amazing! Discovering something new and good to read is such a joy! I am adding this blog to my blog roll right away! So here's the piece~


"How something can feel so wrong and feel so right?
How being so fucked up can seem so straight?
Is doubt only a product of certainty?
A certain something you certainly want but can't pay the price for?
I am bidding goodbye to an alternative future,
But I am so in love with it too;
So I am secretly hoping that these two roads will meet somewhere;
That I can have a bit of both; that I realise both were not too different somehow;
That I picked the better one.
It would kill me, if I find out the other road filled with more things I want; but I picked this one instead because it was just the right thing, for all the wrong reasons
But the good thing is that for every road you take; the alternative is only in your imagination. Life is but one and what you have is all that you've got!"

Wasn't that a touching piece? I too hope somewhere in the future, I will cross this road I am about to leave.. and see what it had in store for me. I hope someday we meet and laugh over it together, knowing we couldn't have been righter. I hope there comes about a moment of peace. For I could never go without finding out what this alternative future had in store for me.

Something else I read on the same blog--

"There's an acid test to find out if you love yourself. See how comfortable you are with somebody else loving you."

It's indeed true that you can never be fully comfortable with someone loving you if you don't love yourself first. Even though you might like/love the other person.

That is when letting go gets difficult.

Right now, I am missing home and the comforting hug of my friends and especially my mom - for it's the only thing that puts me to sleep. I get scared of even going to sleep these days.

Now for the good news--

About two years ago, I had participated in a short story writing contest organised by THE MAG (http://www.magcontest.com/). They had said that besides three cash prizes, twenty winning entries would get published. Had submitted three stories and was jumping with joy when the two of them got selected - to be published!! :)

After a long wait, I finally received the copies last Saturday. Here they are-

I quite like the intro they've added after the stories too! :)

Isn't it great?? :)

Speaking of books, something weird happened today. I always have the habit of looking up old actors and actresses of the sitcoms I used to watch - like just last week, I googled Vicky from Small Wonder and found out she had left acting and is a nurse now. Michelle from Full House is all grown up but doesn't look as cute as she used to. And Fonzie from Happy Days is too old to pull off his cool "Aaee" attitude but looks dashing anyway. Anyway, so coming to books, I saw a cover of one of the books from the "Famous Five" series online somewhere.. and wondered what George Kirrin (one of the Famous Five characters) must be doing now.. and then realised it was only a book - not a part played by someone real. It was a strange feeling indeed..

Anyway, I wish I could share the copies of the book with all those who made it happen. They did say that they are trying to make the book available on Flipkart and Infibeam, so let's hope for the best! :)

Faith

So I guess I am back from hibernation. The last time I thought I'd write a post, there were just so many thoughts racing through my head in no particular order that I couldn't stop to write any of them down. I think it's time I bid goodbye to Project 366. I wanted to do it so badly and feel horrible about not being able to finish it. More than being busy, I was preoccupied with way too many things - one of which I am going to disclose today.

Sometimes, you want some people in your life because you like their presence. Sometimes, you want certain people to be around because they make you laugh. Some people comfort you, some offer a shoulder, some bring you peace, some help you in your work & day-to-day duties.

Then there are those rare ones who accept you wholly, love you and worship you to the point of putting you on a pedestal. These are the kind of people who change the way you look at yourself.

I had started loving myself through one such person - which was fine. But slowly, knowingly or unknowingly, that someone became an authority of my existence, someone without who's approval I couldn't go a day without. Although, all along I knew this was wrong, I guess I wasn't strong enough to change it or stop myself. Needless to say, I made both our lives miserable and hate myself for it.  I never have (not even once) intended to hurt anyone, and yet I hurt someone so bad it felt like murder. I felt suffocated with all that guilt, made a whole lot of mistakes, played with my soul & morals too and now, everyday, I wish I could've listened to my heart and just been a little more stronger. AU did say that this was the worst way of killing yourself. I didn't realise how true that was. Day by day, I was losing a part of my soul. I was unintentionally crushing the other soul too. So, gradually, I had started moving on with my life.. loving myself, pushing myself to be stronger and to keep my head & heart together. I had plenty of things to look forward to. For one, I am finally going out of the country - to see my brother next month (I still have to get my visa stamped.. so let's discuss that later).

But one day, when I sensed that *that someone* was falling out of love with me, and all that love was slowly going to someone else I panicked. Big mistake again. I was already on my way to finding myself.. but knowing that all that love & acceptance was going away scared me. Even though I was getting stronger everyday, knowing that I had someone's whole acceptance of me made things easier. It was the only thing that I thought would always be stable in my life, it gave me strength and subconsciously I was still holding on to it. And when I realised that it wasn't forever and that it was fading, it crushed me.. and I made myself miserable again.

At this point of time, I really don't know whether to look back and regret or to look ahead and panic.
Trying my best to stay where I am.

I could've tackled the situation better, could've tried to live in the moment and feel things for what they were, rather than dissect & analyse everything. Maybe I'd have got all my answers then. I feel blanked out now. Dealing with feelings of sadness, anger and regret - all at the same time.

I don't know whether I was right or wrong, what I should and shouldn't have done in every situation, what would've happened had I stayed calm all throughout. Heck I don't even know whether I am a good person anymore.

But I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for - I am blessed with the awesomest friends, a super loving mom, a caring room mate, nice colleagues at work and lots of people who truly care about me. I couldn't have asked for more. It's time I stopped taking my life for granted. I am lucky indeed.

Right now I don't need anyone to even tell me how right or wrong I was. I don't even expect anyone to understand any of this. It's nice enough that all those people are still around and that they still love me. And I've never felt more grateful. I just want them to be there.

Slowly trying to keep my head & heart in place and just trying to be where I am - not in the past or the future, but right here. Keep losing it everyday and keep picking myself back up. Just hoping I don't lose patience with myself. That's my biggest fear.

Will I make it?

I guess it's all a matter of FAITH.

Hyderabad (Day 80 Project 366)

This post was written on the 22nd of March when I was on my way to Bombay (in the train). Could not post it at the time due to connectivity issues. I am already back to Hyd now :D

It has been a while since I last wrote. I don’t even know whether I should be calling this Project 366 anymore. But I’m not yet ready to call it off. Still trying to post as and when I get to. Sometimes, I do have the time but my eyes get too tired of the computer. Or I am too sleepy to even press a key. Other times, I feel like cuddling up with a good book atleast for 10 minutes before I can sleep. Or watch an episode of “2 Broke Girls” to laugh a little. I want to be dedicated to the project but making it an everyday activity can sometimes turn it into a ‘task’. On days that you are tired that is. I am still writing though- for different things.

Life in Hyderabad hasn’t been all that good. But I do have some interesting experiences to share!

I moved into a hostel on the 12^th of March. The hostel food sucks, I am paying more than what the services are worth for, and no one except the warden can speak Hindi (broken, but comprehensive). On the other hand, my room-mate is friendly and the room is quite spacious. You cannot have everything you want, can you? I am still on the lookout for good places to stay that are closer to where I work and are spacious. But now that I have bonded with my room-mate fairly well, it might make the moving harder. I might try to get her to move in with me too.  Let’s see.

Shopping is so much fun when you are alone. Never knew shopping for bedsheets would be as exciting as shopping for clothes is. I ended up spending too much on them and then felt guilty about it later. I took pictures of one of them so just tell me how beautiful you think it is (even if you don’t think so). That will rid me of the guilt :P

I will upload pictures (or a video) of the room later (when it’s cleaner :P). We have roaches in our room and are going to call the pest control people next week. One more reason why I’m still looking for better places!!

As I said before, I am not too happy with the food here. Nowhere do they serve chapaati the way we make it. I always thought “rotis” or “chapaatis” were made of wheat. You rarely get a roti that’s made of wheat here and I long for it. They use “maida” everywhere. Probably because it’s cheap. Little do they understand that it’s bad for your body and doesn’t digest easily. Or maybe they do understand but couldn’t care less to do anything about it. We aren’t allowed to cook in the hostel, and the ‘rotis’ you get outside at local curry points are all made of “maida” too. That leaves you just with one option – rice. And given the fact that I am putting on weight, having two rice meals in a day isn’t helping at all. Also, the subzi (vegetable) is too spicy.

The trouble with finding good food led Nissim and I to try cooking. Nissim is the friend I was staying with before I could move in here. He has a proper house with a well setup kitchen. So this one time, when I was at his place for dinner, we decided to cook some rice and dal ourselves. We called up his mother for help with cooking the rice and dal. And when it was time to give some ‘tadka’ to the dal, I tried calling my mom up. She wouldn’t answer the phone and eventually, I called my friend Aditi. Her mom answered and helped me with it. Somehow, even with her clear instructions, I managed to burn the curry leaves & cumin seeds. The dal was still edible though. Actually, more than just edible. It was tasty! The papad was prepared in the microwave, and we had some pickle at home.

I also stayed over once and there was nothing for breakfast so I tried boiling eggs with the help of JD & my friend Chinky's mom over the phone. And they turned out pretty well :)

The next time I go to his place for dinner, I am going to try “chapaatis”. I can make a lot of them twice every week and take them to the hostel. :D

I found a nice place (Chowpatti – Platters) that served good North Indian, West Indian and East Indian food at City Centre. It’s a mall there. The first time I went there, I was so happy and hungry that I gobbled up everything. Only halfway through the meal, I realised I could’ve taken a picture. I did anyway:

The next time I went there, I made sure I took a good shot before I could start eating:

Delicious, no?

There are a lot of malls around here- GVK One being the grandest of them all. But somehow, I like City Centre better. It isn’t so posh looking as GVK One but it has everything you need. The food, wide variety of body products (love 'em!), good stationery at Crossword (awesome craft products at Crossword of all places!! I knew they stocked stationery, but craft???), good shops that don’t burn a hole in your pocket.

Almost everything is too expensive in Hyderabad. The auto drivers refuse to go by the meter (except for the occasional honest ones) and charge you any price they think they’d get. Eating is expensive too. The Frankie you get in Bombay starts at Rs. 12 while the one here starts at Rs. 35 ATLEAST. I don’t have many options to eat around my workplace. There is a Frankie place called “Roll Call” and a Subway. Not being particularly fond of Subway, I eat at the Roll place sometimes. One veg roll costs you Rs. 45 and it’s not even that tasty. It’s so spicy that you get full just by drinking water. So I either have to pack my hostel food for lunch or get something from the local curry point which again is either “maida roti” or “rice”.

Parlours are expensive too. I wouldn’t get into the details of it but I was shocked at how steep the rates were- more than double of what they are in Bombay!!

You would think Bombay is more expensive- it being the city of "dreams" and all.. but trust me, other than land & rent, everything is dirt cheap in Bombay – unless you’re the kinds who prefers living life in total luxury.

One thing I found cheap was Naariyal Paani (Coconut Water). I had one for ten rupees the other day and told my room-mate about it. I told her I was happy and didn’t mind having one everyday. She said ten rupees for a coconut is expensive. People bargain for five to six rupees it seems. That is way too cheap. You get one for 22-25 INR here (Bombay).

One good thing is they don’t give you plastic cups at tea stalls here. They serve tea in recyclable paper cups but they are way too tiny!! :( They don’t serve tea in glasses strangely but I think that just makes it more hygienic. I have an emotional thing with having tea in chai glasses though.

Also, tea is consumed a lot more than coffee. You would think since it's the South of India, filter coffee is easily available. But strangely, it isn't. Even most tea points don't make coffee like they do in Bombay.

Coming back to malls, GVK-One has Hard Rock Cafe – one good place I enjoyed at last weekend. I have never been to the HRC in Bombay yet, strangely. I thought the place would be a little too loud for me. But I loved the music AND the company. Remember the nice people I had mentioned last time- one of whose birthday it was and I had gone to their place for dinner? I went out with them, the girl’s dad, Nissim and one more person. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. It’s too bad that it was their second last day in Hyderabad. Why do things end when they are just starting to get better?

Anyway, so HRC was fun. Amongst all the madness, the DJ played the song I requested for and he was especially happy when I went over to thank him personally. The atmosphere was joyous. The “Saturday night” effect perhaps.

So my last weekend (18th-19th) was quite eventful. Was working on Saturday and then went to HRC. On Sunday, I went for a movie “Kahaani” with an old friend and later during the day, caught up with some Twitterers at a Bombay tweetup I had organised :D The movie was good even though I had accidentally read the climax somewhere.

So, by now, I think I have summed up what I feel about the place. Work keeps me occupied. The rest of it isn’t very enjoyable but I am somehow pulling myself along. Let’s see how it goes.

Right now, I am on my way to Bombay- for three whole days!! :) Okay, almost three. Train journeys are fun. Waiting to catch up with my friends again.

2 Broke Girls

Aditi had given me some episodes of 2 Broke Girls just before I could move here, and let me tell you- I'm hooked to this sitcom! I simply love it! <3

It is so hilarious and full of life.. you won't get bored one minute, I tell you! And it's that way right from the first episode.

I especially love Max (Kat Dennings) on the show..

Isn't she beautiful?
Though a bit plump, she manages to look drop dead gorgeous all the time!

Lately, I'm so obsessed with weight loss that I actually purchase low fat cereal :( I don't think being a little on the fatter side is bad any longer ..*cough*.. ahem.. or maybe I am just trying to convince myself..

This show totally rocks and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to get away & get a good laugh :) Thank you Aditi for the reco and the episodes!

And oooh.. I have a  secret crush on Johnny on the show-

  

Isn't he awesome?
;)

He's also like the IDEAL man.. bartender+street artist+oh-so-romantic! :D

Happy Holi! :) (Day 68 - Project 366)

I can't believe I am so busy all of a sudden!!! Excuse me if this post sounds disoriented. My thoughts don't really have a proper flow today.

So, I have been busy. Though I have plenty of time on my hands after I come back from work, I am too tired to do anything..

The whole week was spent in doing work. Though I get tired, I am sort-of liking it now.   Actually, I don't know whether I am liking it or getting used to it but trying not to worry about that too much.

Bangalore was both good and bad. I'm still pretty shaken..and cannot think clearly at all.

I finally found a Lush lip scrub there:

Was looking for a lip scrub for a long time.. I had heard of Lush's Bubblegum lip scrub but didn't know they had it in Mint Julep and Chocolate too. Needless to mention, I bought Chocolate. These scrubs are edible and tasty.. I have never been to any of the Lush stores in Bombay. For a long time, I was under the impression that they don't sell in India. I was very happy at finding it at a mall in Bangalore. The product is not AS GOOD as I expected it to be. :S I don't like the fact that it's sticky, and it doesn't do the job of removing the dead skin too well. I want to try other Lush products but their prices are pretty steep. This small lip scrub cost me 640INR!

My journey back to Hyderabad was real good. I was amazed by looking at the bus interiors. I had never seen a bus like that before!

I had booked it on redBus and the bus was "Dhanunjaya Travels". The interior of the bus was completely like a Two Tier AC train coach! This was the corridor:

The left side was the single sleeper side, meaning, it had two beds each- above and below. The right side, however, was a double sleeper, meaning it had four beds- two above & two below facing each other. The bus was clean & fully air conditioned, every "compartment" had a movie screen, curtains, pillows, blankets, personal plug points for charging your laptop or phone. Except for the fact that it didn't have a restroom and that the roads were still bumpy (they are roads after all), it was even better than a train!! It was the first time I saw something like that..

 Isn't this ladder much more convenient to climb on than the side ladder in the trains? Mine was the upper berth! :)

A couple of days back, Nissim- the friend I am staying with currently, introduced me to his friend and the friend's wife. It was her birthday and we had gone to their place to have dinner twice - on the day of her birthday and a day before that.

I had a real nice time chatting with them. Laughed quite a bit after a long time. Too bad they are leaving this place soon. I told them about the "train" bus too. They thought me to be silly though. They had been on such buses before and it was nothing new for them at all. :-| Guess I was the only one :P

Today was Holi and it didn't feel like Holi at all since I had to go to work. And in any case, the festivals here are not as grandly celebrated as they are in Bombay! Nissim's mother had sent some puran polis along with him when he went to Bombay last weekend. For those who don't know, it's a dish prepared especially during Holi. It's like chapati with some sweet stuffing in it. We had totally forgotten about them and ate them just today for dinner.. and suddenly, Holi felt like Holi again :)

Perfect timing! :)

Traff*cked :D (Day 62 - Project 366)

I officially hate Bangalore traffic. Was at the airport a little before 7pm last evening to attend a reception of a close family friend at this place called Jayanagar. I was all dressed up for the occasion but it took me 3 hours to get to the place and by then I was too embarrassed to enter the hall, so spent the night at a friend's place!!

The wedding, however, took place today and I donned a saree for the occasion :) It was a peaceful wedding and I made friends with this girl called Mahati. I had known her before, but we were very little then. I think I was about eight or nine when I had met her :D None of us could remember how the other looked like, and we had to be introduced again. We connected immediately and I spent the next two hours in conversation with her!

The rest of the day was pretty good too.. I am experiencing a lot of emotions at the same time. Need to breathe.

House hunting (Day 60 - Project 366)

I don't know if I've started liking the new city yet. I haven't yet got the time to really see around. The last couple of days were just spent in looking for a decent place to stay. While looking around for a good hostel/PG, we (mom and I) did a lot of walking around and the weather here didn't help at all. It is extremely hot here.. hotter than Bombay and though Bombay is hot, you atleast tend to sweat it all out. That isn't the case here. The heat gets to you. Besides headache, your eyes start to burn, water and feel heavy. You feel totally drained out. I'd strongly suggest anyone planning to walk during the daytime here, to carry an umbrella and wear something that covers your face, neck and arms. The sun will kill your skin too. Also, carry a bottle of water with you ALWAYS.

Mom left to go back to Bombay just today. We came across a lot of different places. Some were real nice & clean and some looked impossible to live in. There was one PG where mom got freaked out just by looking at a girl's makeup :D It looked to her more like a brothel house than a PG! There is one hostel that is very close to my workplace, it is very affordable, clean, provides meals and the street is full of food stalls and chai joints. The only bad thing is- they have five beds in a room- each bed the size of a mini sofa and all stuck to each other! I don't mind sharing the room with a couple of people but something like this would suffocate me greatly.

There was a really nice PG with girls from different places- mostly from the North and one Marathi speaking girl from Nagpur too! But the commute would be a problem there as the place was really far! There was one more hostel that I really liked, and the room that would be assigned to me apparently had a girl from Bombay staying there. So I'd be sharing the room with her. I had gone to that hostel again today hoping to meet her as she works late. I waited for her for somewhere over 30 minutes but she still hadn't returned from work so I left my number for her to call me. She then called me up saying she was from Calcutta and not Bombay :-| Anyway, I like the  room so will probably move there. It's slightly far from my workplace but I guess I'll manage.

I always thought living somewhere independently would be fun but this is getting really difficult and tiring :( Let's see what more is in store for me..