What have you done?

Okay, this should ideally have been my first post in the coming year (like some new resolution post)! But since there is a lot of talk happening over the world ending in 2012, I got so paranoid; I thought I might as well put this down now.

For those of you who are still clueless about Dooms Day-

Our planet is coming to an end on the 21st of December, 2012. The poles of the earth are supposedly shifting.

The iron core of the earth is magnetic. Because of the switching of the magnetic core, the earth will start to rotate in the other direction! Because of this, the outer earth's crust will break off! In other words the outer layer will be "floating." It will be on the loose, no longer attached to its "master." If you are on the planet at that moment, it will tilt some thousands of miles in a couple of hours. Looking up in the sky it will seem as if "the sky is coming down," as it is described in the old scriptures!
Giant quakes will occur. Earth plates will be moving, mountains will be rising where first there was nothing, land masses will break open and collapse, mountains collapse, land will sink into the ocean, volcanoes erupt in many places. In short, the most terrible nightmare cannot be terrible enough to describe this world's destruction.

source: http://www.crawford2000.co.uk/patrickg.htm

I used to keep getting email forwards and messages, most of them asking me to forward the same to 11 others- like THAT will stop the poles from shifting, and the sun from aligning itself with the earth and the moon! I ignored them all just like I ignore mails which tell me to hit F6 after forwarding them to 20 other people just so that I would know the name of the person I'd get married to! :D
So, anyway, getting back to the point, I kept hearing of the world ending from so many different sources; my mentor in my previous company even told me of this book called "The Orion's Prophecy" which proves that the world should end by 2012. And after the movie (2012) that has just recently hit the theatres, I'm starting to get worried all the more! I haven't watched it yet, but the fact that so many others are taking it seriously is creepy..

As always, a hundred thousand thoughts raced through my mind. So what if I die in the next three years? What have I done so far? Have I done all the things I ever wanted to? Have I done ANY of the things I wanted to? None at all!! And when the time comes, I'd regret it to the core. When I breathe last, I don't want to have any regrets.

And so, in the middle of my Java class as twenty others were dozing off and as I was on the verge of falling off the chair sleeping-- I sat right up and made a list !! So here I am presenting a list of all the things I'd like to achieve before I close my eyes forever, and I'm planning to start achieving them slowly, starting today!

1. I'd like to write professionally once-for anything! Be it a magazine, a newspaper or a book! Would also love to write a book someday- it'd be so cool! :)

2. I want to paint my house downstairs all by myself. The house would fully depict me.
(One wall could have paintings of tea, bombay, friends, music. I'd arrange all my novels together, paint a seperate wall for them too with alphabets maybe!! It's the "Fountainhead" effect I guess ;))

3. I want to work on two sites (can't really reveal much right now).

4. I want to learn SOME form of dancing- be it jive, salsa, waltz, hip hop, anything!! I want to stop feeling so shy of dancing!

5. I'd love to play some form of musical instrument, a guitar maybe!! Would sing too!

6. I want to travel- A LOT, go to new places, meet new people, click a lot of photographs and enjoy different cultures!

7. I want to buy a scooty for myself and a car for my family. The traffic in Bombay explains why this one was last on the list!

Most of all, I want to break free once- with no one to answer to, nothing to feel scared about, nothing to feel worried about, going where my heart takes me and doing what it tells me to. No rules attached!

Imagine if the whole world were ending in a week's time for certain- wouldn't there be a huge chaos? People would hurry to chase their dreams, to do all that they always wanted to. The problem with us humans is- We take life to be permanent when it's not. We think we can live our lives anytime later and "later" never comes.

Wouldn't it be great if everyone could just pause and think about what they were doing and pursue their dreams? The only good thing that would come out of the Dooms Day is - people will finally realise we won't be here for long. Mistakes will be forgiven, ties will be made stronger, emotions will no longer be hidden! Everything would be truthful and transparent.

So let's start living each day as if it were our last. Let's not waste even a second.
That way, even if the theory is faulty, and if the world won't really end on the 21st of December 2012 like it's supposed to, we will still have found what we truly desire and what makes us immensely happy, no?



I tag Nikhil, Sakhi, Reema, Scorpria, Calvin, Aditi, Mona and Ashwin to make a to-do list too and post it!! Just realised, it's been really long since we did tags! :)

She!

She smiled when she noticed him looking at her from the corner of his eye, and how he looked away, embarrassed, when she caught him doing that! It was the third time now. Since the last one month, his head was not where it should have been. He was in class merely in the physical sense. There was a lot going on in his life other than just Socket programming. He was already frustrated by the field he had chosen for himself and he had felt life had nothing more to offer. For the past five days, however, things had been different. Maybe it was her. No, let me rephrase that- it WAS her. He didn't know what it was about her that made him feel so hopeful about himself, so safe, so peaceful. He had barely managed to catch her name a day back, he wasn't sure if he had heard it right. It was either Priya or Supriya. He hoped it was Priya. "Priya" was sweeter, just like her!

He'd come to class everyday now, surprising his professors who'd usually cringe at him for being so laidback and unpunctual. He had a reason now, and he'd run to class on days that he'd get late, hoping to be allowed in, just once, so he could get a glimpse of her. It felt heavenly. He could easily carry on with the rest of his day knowing she was there. Her presence had a lasting impact on him. There were a few times when they bumped into each other at breaktime or in between two classes, but strangely, neither of them would feel the need to talk. This communication was different. There was so much said only with the eyes that somehow, talking seemed unnecessary. The language of the soul is truly remarkable! And at times, when she'd pass by brushing her side against his, he'd get blown away! His world changed. He looked at things differently, he surprised himself by scoring straight A's in all the subjects he had chosen for himself. He realised he was happy and enjoyed every moment of his life.

Summer holidays were approaching and Priya had already started bunking classes. He felt anxious not knowing what had happened to her and desperately wanting to see her. Days passed and there was no news of her. No one knew where she was. He became increasingly restless. Soon the term got over and the holidays had begun. He did all that he could to keep himself busy and happy. His life was a little on track now thanks to her and he realised he had to get on with it. He would see her after the holidays, he could wait till then. And he was right. Soon after the holidays, as he went to college for the next term, he saw her at the gate walking towards class with a couple of books in her hands, and her trademark embroidered jhola slung on her shoulder. But something was amiss. He couldn't place it. There was no serenity on her face any longer, and she seemed pale. It was painful to see her like that. And just then he noticed her hand- the ring! He never remembered seeing it before, he was too afraid to ask. He just knew. She was married, she had to be.. but she didn't seem happy at all!! He wanted to ask her a lot of things; a whole lot of questions came to him, he was just about to approach her for the first time in the four months that he knew her. And as he went closer, she walked away. Never to return to college again.

He couldn't tell what had happened that led her to get married so soon; he could only guess it could be parental pressure. Atleast that's what her friends thought! He was depressed but he knew he had to accept it. She had come in for a purpose, and it was served. Now it was time to move on, to pursue what he had discovered, to live the life he had almost given up.. if it weren't for HER!

A Piece of My Mind - II

Picture this:

You go to your family friend's place with your 7 year old daughter and she is happy to have met you after so long. She greets you with a plate full of mithaais including a few methi laddoos that you're not very fond of (methi laddoos are supposed to be bitter-sweet). Nevertheless, to keep her happy, you tell her that you love them and go on to gobble a couple of them to convince her you're not lying, while your daughter makes a face and tells your friend it's bitter and she won't have it. And then you think "She could get away with that, she's a kid!"

What is it about kids that make you want to forgive them for anything that they do ?

And why do we start wearing a mask by the time we cross adolescence ?

Is it because of social acceptance?

Is it because we want to be loved, and we think by pleasing people we'll somehow achieve that?

Is it because we are afraid of who we really are, or hate ourselves for how we are inside?

Why do we hate our inside from the outside?

I think the best part about being a kid is speaking your heart out- without giving a single thought to the consequences thereafter. Kids just do what they want to do, they don't have to think about the society, what their friends think or what their family thinks. They know what they want and they have it by any means. If they don't want something, they simply say "No" without giving a thought to what the person will think/feel. It's their genuineness that makes you want to forgive them for whatever they say or do, because you know they speak from their heart and don't hold back anything against you.

Where does all that go away then?

I think, as we grow up, we build a bubble around ourselves. Rather, I'd say, we build a wall around ourselves. A wall made of opinions of people, the way they think, the way they perceive us, and of course whether our views will be accepted by them. And if they aren't, we tend to manipulate our own views in ways we don't even realise! Result? We end up losing our own selves, our own voices. We are stuck in a trap we have built by ourselves. We are scared because we are all alone, we aren't kids any longer and will no longer be forgiven for our actions. We feel we need the people around us, we need their approval. We need them because we don't want to feel we're alone. We are scared of not being accepted and loved by the people around us when they don't really care and we end up living their life- a life based on their views and wants.

It's only when we break free of this bubble and listen to our heart that we'll be truly happy.

It's hard to break free, it's hard to let go, hard but not impossible!

Let's all start listening to our hearts. Let's see people for what they are from within. Let's not hide our insides from the world. Let's all become kids again.

P.S: Posting about something that you wished you did feels better!

A Piece of My Mind - I

The other day, my mother commented on me being never satisfied with anything in life and I nodded my head in agreement. I pondered over what she and many others have said about me. So, maybe I'll never BE fully satisfied with what I get but isn't that human? What happens when we achieve total satisfaction? What happens when you stop wanting more things in life?

Life is always a pursuit of something. There is always a motive, a goal to be achieved that drives us to rise up early each day and go to work even if that means missing out on "FRIENDS", "MIND YOUR LANGUAGE" and "DIFFERENT STROKES" in the wee hours of the morning(*sob*). But seriously, if we stopped wanting more things, what would we be living for? We'd be doing our chores daily without ever knowing WHY. There would be no purpose to it and trust me, that can drive you crazy (SERIOUS!). We would merely exist, but cease to LIVE. What difference then between fauna and us humans?

Man is constantly in search of meaning, a goal, happiness and peace while animals lack cognition and live for survival alone. Many of us are satisfied with what we're doing but that fades away in time and we start wanting newer things and work towards achieving those. The confused lot (including Yours Truly :P) lacks a goal and hence, is always unstable. They want to dig a spoon everywhere to see which taste they like the best and they don't know which icecream bucket to start from! It makes you insecure, scared of your own self, unsure about yourself and everything else in life, and believe me, nothing can get worse than that. It needs a lot of control on the mind to be able to know what you want, to work towards it, to FOCUS! Not all of us are lucky enough to be born with a clear vision but we can certainly discover it.



We also need to understand and accept things that we feel we don't want (this one's for me-- trying to convince my conscience that "it's not that bad, it's okay, calm down"! :D).

It's strange that you can decide so easily for others but when it comes to your own self, you're puzzled. Discovering yourself is not easy, but once you've done it, life cannot get any better! :)

A Fruitful Sunday

Many Bombayites spent their Sunday fruitfully this week- painting the walls of Tulsi Pipe road from Mahim to Lower Parel at the WALL PROJECT. I missed it the last time (15th August 2009). It was too late by the time I got to know of it and the very next day, I added myself to their group on Facebook promising myself not to miss it the next time after ogling at the photos for over an hour!

My life has taken a complete turn ever since I switched jobs and I crave to find time for myself! Spent Saturday night at my childhood chum Chinky's place who was lecturing me, stressing on the fact that her job sucked more than mine and that it's a way of life. I slept really late but it was a peaceful sleep after having found some solace in the fact that I wasn't alone!

The WALL PROJECT was to start at 8 am and people could paint right upto 8pm. Aditi, Neeraj and I decided to be the first ones to get there so that we'd get the best wall and even some of those limited paints! I set an alarm for 7.30 on 2 different cellphones and a clock. Needless to say, a lazy bum that I am, I stopped all of them when they went off and slept away to glory! It was only at 9.30 that I woke up with a start, realising I had to go somewhere! I checked my cellphone expecting my inbox to be flooded and to find a good number of calls unattended. I got nothing. Aditi was asleep and so was Neeraj. I had to wake them up and finally, we all got ready, Alisha joined in too and both of us stepped out. We reached at 1pm and saw the entire street all bright and colourful, people were still painting and each work of art was remarkable! We wanted to get started as soon as possible. There were a few cans of paint left in the BMC truck but we bought some nevertheless, along with some mugs, brushes and a roller. Alisha and I booked our walls and waited for Aditi. She arrived soon and we quickly planned on drawing the Bandra Worli sea-link! I had thought of drawing the Java cup symbol a week back but then the sea-link seemed far more exciting and we started off with it. Alisha drew a Unicorn and she finished in no time! We were still painting the wall-background blue when she was all done with her painting. Neeraj came a little later and joined us in completing the sea-link. He took a lot of photographs capturing every good angle of all the paintings!

We took the longest time for the sea-link and it turned out to be worse than what we expected! But we had fun and clicked as many photos of it as possible, posing with the moon and the boat. :D We even wrote our Twitter handles on it! When you do something with all your heart, you love and cherish it no matter how good or bad it is! :)

It was a great feeling to see so many people painting together, one wall-different people- professional artists, first-timers (like us), toddlers and some street kids too! It just makes me love Bombay all the more!!!

Here are some of the paintings on our side of the street (courtesy: Neeraj :))

Loved this wall the best of all that I saw-

The artist-

You can check out all of the paintings here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo_search.php?oid=162741035038&view=all

And add yourself to the group here:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=9822921861

Happy Painting! :)

The good times! :(

It's been a week since I joined this company (can't take names.. company policy it seems!) and so far I can undoubtedly term it as an experience of hell on earth! I came here only to build myself a career in development and I don't think I'll last here long enough. I miss my old workplace terribly.. I miss everything about it.

First of all, I miss looking forward to coming to work. I'd always look forward to meeting my team- Calvin, Abdul, Manwar, Anandji, Abhishek and our mentor- Pandeji!

I miss having a laughter-filled lunch break. Calvin and I would always joke about the canteen food being unlimited and how we could mint money out of it! One comment from Calvin and I'd be on a laughter riot! Once, we even played table tennis in the air when no one was looking. Our rule was to not let the ball hit the table- NO MATTER WHAT! :D He's the best combo of a funny+ sweet friend I've ever met!

I miss my long philosophical conversations with Abdul. We'd get into discussions, debate on something, and then Google would solve it for us sometimes.

I miss Manwar who'd always scare me off and then himself protect me from falling into a soup..

I miss having fights with Abhishek! :D

I miss Jigy's witty comments and the way he'd make fun of my walk and my way of talking. I wish there was a Jigy at my new workplace!

It was always a pleasure talking to people like Birju, it'd leave me feeling so calm, happy and better about myself :)

I miss Krishna's innocence, his laugh and his way of saying "Dude" :D

I miss flirting with Nolan on our internal chat client. I miss Janeve too.

I miss all those little things like wearing casuals to work everyday.

I miss going for tea breaks whenever I wanted to and sipping on endless cups of tea whilst working. Here, we have to wait for ONE tea break and can't even take the cup outside the vending machine area!

I miss sitting with my team in the parking lot and laughing my heart out!

I miss everything... :(

Building a career - Not my cup of tea!

I was all set to build a career soon after I graduated.

Four months back, I wanted to get into a company because I thought I would be comfortable there and it suited my interests at that time. Thanks to the recession, I took up another job not getting a call from this one. I was scared, I didn't think I'd get adjusted to the new environment and the new people there. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and soon started enjoying the new environment and the people. It made me more confident and happier. There was so much freedom there that I started exploring my other interests. Just when I got attached to the people and the environment there, I got a call from this company I wanted to get into four months back. And since I had waited for so long, I took up the offer.

I didn't realise that it meant getting back to my old self, to the old environment again. I liked my new self better. Adjusting to the old environment scares me, it makes me feel I'll get back to being my old self again, the one I am not very fond of. So each time I try to talk to a person, I back out, I hold myself back subconsciously. I feel claustrophobic sitting on my desk all day and trying hard to focus. I haven't found a single person who would come out just for a walk with me, or have a cup of tea. I am rethinking my decision time and again. People tell me I should learn to live with the consequences of my decisions, and learn to live with different kinds of people and different environments. I don't think I am flexible enough, since I am having a hard time doing that. I don't know if I am working here because I want to, or because I am good at the work. It's not giving me enough time for myself, to do the things I love doing. I am so confused! I wish I wasn't like this all the time. I want to be sure of myself.

One thing that I have learnt out of this- "Always obey your parents, they know what's best for you." I wish I had listened to them all this time... Things wouldn't have been so difficult then.

Those were the days! (Then and Now...)

The other day, as two school-going kids from our building-cum-chawl were busy playing Mafia Wars on Facebook, my childhood chum Chinky and I were reminiscing the old times, picturing us in place of them; how we were at their age; and musing over how life was so different then than what it is now! With the advent of computers and the internet, kids and elders alike are missing out on so much!!

When we were little, as soon as the clock struck five, we’d run up to the terrace and play games like “Pakda Pakdi”, “Saakli”, “Dongar Paani”, “Sea-Sand-Water-Land”, “Chor-Police” “Fire-in-the-mountain”, and then advanced to cricket, cycling, badminton and skating as we grew up.

After sunset when it got too dark to see, we'd play our all-time favourite game- "Bhoot-Bhoot". After a round of "Een-Peen(Pin)-Septee(Safety)-Peen-Een-Peen-Out- Khelna Hai Toh Khelo Warna Get Out" (i still don't know what that means! :D), the unfortunate (or fortunate) one got to be the "Bhoot" (ghost). We'd dab talcum powder on his/her face till it got stark white and smear blood-red lipstick on the lips! Once the "Bhoot" was ready, we'd all go into hiding. There was only one place where we were allowed to hide- on the stairs that led to the terrace! Okay, I know it doesn't make much sense if the "Bhoot" already knows our hiding spot but that was the rule. You couldn't break it. Either you play by the rules- hide there and pretend to get scared when the "Bhoot" arrives, or don't play at all! Needless to say, our parents would always chase us around when they'd see the talcum powder bottle empty in a week's time! :D

We'd also play board games like "Scrabble", "Snakes & Ladders", "Ludo", "Scotland Yard", "Business". And at the onset of the monsoons, just before the first showers could hit the earth, we'd get the carrom board out that always lay behind the couch otherwise. Barbie dolls were also in vogue then. Chinky and I had a huge collection of them. We'd bathe them, dress them up, braid their hair, even got a whole kitchen set for them! Once, we even stitched clothes for them looking up different styles and patterns in tailoring books! I don't ever remember spending as much time grooming myself! :D

Summer vacation nights were spent playing "UNO" when we were allowed to sleep an hour late! :) And in the daytime, we went to some art class that we were enrolled for- drawing, glass-painting, calligraphy, candle-making and the like!

Television was also different then.

I remember regularly following shows like "Alif Laila", "Tenali Raman", "Surabhi" starring Renuka Shahane and Siddharth Kak, "Dekh Bhai Dekh", "Jaspal Bhatti", "Tehkikaat", "Mind Your Language" as well as the hindi version of it- "Zabaan Sambhaalke". Sundays were spent watching different versions of "Mahabharata" and "Ramayana"! And on weekdays, they'd air shows like "Different Strokes", "Small Wonder", "Silver Spoons", "Happy Days", "Three's Company", "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Bewitched". After a few years came shows like "Full House" and "F.R.I.E.N.D.S.". I still link Zee TV's Antakshari with Anu Kapoor and Pallavi Joshi.

Now, television has literally turned into an idiot box. After the much-awaited end of the era of family drama soaps, staged "Reality" shows took over and there's nothing worth watching anymore. Now, I switch on the TV only on Sundays to watch back-to-back re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Seinfeld sometimes.

Music was an out-of-the-world experience. I used to play songs by the Backstreet Boys, MJ, Aqua, Blue, Westlife and Steps (5-6-7-8) over and over again! I'd call up iTV and MTV Select (VJ Nikhil Chinnappa) and request for songs. Hindi albums were also one of a kind with groups like "Aryans", "Bombay Vikings", "Colonial Cousins", "Instant Karma", "Silk Route" and "Distant Voice". Singers like Lucky Ali, K.K., Sonu Nigam and Shaan will always be remembered and there will never be another A.R. Rahman. Music has taken a whole new definition now. Songs these days last for a week or two, they are forgotten as soon as another nasal singer comes in. No one now saves up their pocket money to buy that original Beatles CD, they just rip it off the internet!

Reading habits were also far more developed then than the case it is now. I spent my early teens competing with classmates on who would finish the "Nancy Drew" or the "Trixie Belden" series first. We'd name our groups as "The Famous Five" or "The Adventurous Four" after books by Enid Blyton. Our librarian would always cringe when she saw us coming, knowing we'd disturb her neatly arranged shelves again!

And when we were assigned a project in school, I'd scan through my folder of newspaper cuttings or through my collection of books and encyclopedias. We'd also go searching for books on the topic assigned to us, read up and collect information. Now, Google, a few clicks and Ctrl-F does everything for you. There's no effort put in at all!

In my late teens, I'd spend my evenings with Mona, Chinky, Alisha sipping on hot cutting chai in our balcony and talking for hours!

However much the Internet has benefitted man and shrunk the world into a small town, it has destroyed the simple joys of life. I agree it's nice to see kids getting tech-savvy at a younger age, but they've forgotten to run around and play. They no longer come home with their hands and legs dirty with muck, they've stopped getting endless scoldings from the neighbourhood society's uncle for breaking his window pane whilst playing cricket. "Katti-batti" does not exist anymore with fights only happening on playstations now. Gone are the days!

I wouldn't be surprised to see toddlers of the next generation going to pre-school nursery carrying PDAs.

I'm glad atleast I didn't miss out on any of it! I sigh as I recall every moment.. those were the days!

P.S: I don't know how much sense all of this made to you considering the examples I used everywhere. Indians who grew up in the 90s would be able to relate to this the best! :)

Me, Myself and I

I was dicy about writing something so personal, but there are certain things that have been eating up my already messed-up head for quite sometime now and I thought I should vent them out here.

Last night, I hated myself for the person I've become in terms of emotions and feelings. I almost lost a friend of mine all because of me- my state of mind and my inexplicable feelings.

Till last year, I used to be the kind of person who would give 100% to every relationship; my friends meant the world to me! I once even declared I'd die without them, I feared losing them. And now, I seem to have taken a step back from everything. I do feel like making friends, getting to know them well, spending quality time with them, but when they get too close, I just sort-of drift away. I can't explain this, nor can I understand this myself. And the more I wish for this to change, the more it happens.

There are a lot of other things about me that I can't find answers to. I feel shy to express certain feelings that everyone else does openly. I've always wanted to tell my mother how much I love and need her, but I can't get myself to telling her that in a way that I really mean it. There's an odd kind of shyness involved there. When my brother was leaving to go back to the States last month, I wanted to hug him at the airport just like my cousins did, but I couldn't do it as openly as them. When my Ajja expired, I couldn't cry for the first hour. When I did feel like crying, I held back my tears, then felt choked by the lump that had formed in my throat. I couldn't just weep openly though my mother cried bitterly in front of me. At times, I also feel choked by the attention my relatives give me though I know how much they love and care about me.

Expressing oneself is comparatively always easier with friends than with relatives. But I think that's because they are relatives and we are SUPPOSED to be nice to them (out of no choice). Reminds me of a line Rehab quoted: "I think I am nice to the people I don't have to be nice to, because those are the ones I want to be nice to". Not generalising, but it just might be the one of the reasons why we feel more comfortable with friends than SOME relatives.

I just seem to have turned emotionally blunt now. I fall in love with something, and the next minute I push it away. I have been trying to accept myself, and I do feel much better than the past few months. But the thought of me pushing someone away after getting them so close is itself scary. I would never want to be responsible for someone else's heart-break. I can't live with the guilt. It's too much to take. And hence, how much ever I want someone close in my life, I hesitate and fear my own self. That kind of loneliness bites me but I feel helpless.

I wish we could all just feel what we want to feel.

When people apologise, we should be able to forgive them and erase their sins completely, and not feel like we've forgiven them only on a superficial level.

When people fall in love with us, we should be able to love them back the same way. Why do one-sided relationships have to exist?

The feeling should just come by the thought of it.

But I think that's where the mind and the heart differ. And the battle between the two is the fiercest of them all.

Peace will come when the equilibrium is achieved...

P.S: I'm glad I did (wrote) this! I feel a lot better now!

R.I.P. Ajja

"Ajja", that's what I used to call my grandfather who passed away on Tuesday, the 8th of September. I had never experienced the loss of someone in my life before. My maternal grandmother expired long before I was born. My paternal grandparents passed away when I was 7 and I never lived with them. Besides, I was too young to understand what death is. When you're a kid, all you really care about is when you'll get to play next; a lost doll is forgotten when a new one comes in and the only pain you feel is when you scrape your knee whilst you're playing. So this came on differently.


Ajja was a jovial man. He was admired for the strength and will power that he had. A gold medalist in law, he practised law till he was 84. He was a philanthropist- always giving away his books and a part of what he earned in charity. Spiritual and an avid reader, he'd read books on yoga, medicine and ancient stories with life-time subscriptions to books like "Yogasudha", "Wisdom" and "the teachings of Swami Vivekananda". He would ask for the newspaper the first thing in the morning, and would watch only News channels on TV. He wouldn't miss a single newscast for anything and I'd fight for the remote with him if any of my TV shows clashed with the newscast. He would remind me to say my prayers before supper every night.


In September 2004, in his 85th year, he slipped and fell in the bathroom fracturing his leg. That's when he stopped practising law and could move around only with a walker. We hired a caretaker for him; he became part of our family, and we called him "Mama". Mama took very good care of him. Besides the routine work that he was paid to do, he would talk to him, see to it that he always kept busy, engaged in activity. He would give him company all day when we'd be at work and on days that he would be on leave to visit his native place, Ajja would feel restless and uneasy. He valued friendship a lot and two of his best friends, Jane aunty and Pradhan uncle would frequently keep visiting him and would not miss his birthday for anything. As years went by, Ajja got weaker and since the past 28 days, he could not stand on his feet. That's when the doctor asked us to accept whatever came our way. He could still recognise all of us and joked around with us.

On the 7th of September, Monday, he looked very tired for some reason. He did not utter a word all day, he did not even speak to Mama. One of my aunts that he's very fond of came to visit but he had no strength to talk to her and to tease her like he did always. He'd always hide her chappals when she'd come and on that day, though he was tired and unwell, he still managed to hold her shoes down with his feet if not hide them. Classic Ajja- jovial and naughty! However, as night set in, he sinked even more and when everyone retired for the day at 12, I felt uneasy. My parents were fast asleep on the loft. I was up till 1 a.m. surfing the net as usual and before turning the lights off, I went over to him and looked at him. His eyes met mine too, and I just knew this would be the last time I'd be seeing him. I gave him a peck on his cheek and when he closed his eyes to sleep, I switched off the lights. I couldn't sleep, I was so sure he'd pass away any minute that I already prayed for his soul to rest in peace. At 2.30 a.m. as I was still awake, he coughed and I went over to him again and tried putting him to sleep. I was scared. For some strange reason, I feared being all alone with him that night. I messaged a few friends who I thought would be awake at that hour but no one replied. Fear gripped me completely and at 3a.m. when I heard him coughing louder I just lay on my mattress scared and confused. I thought to myself, if in the next 5 minutes I continue to feel this way, I'd give up trying to sleep, switch on the lights and take some action. I opened my eyes at 7a.m. when mom woke me up saying "Ajja is no more".

I couldn't digest the fact that he's gone, none of us could. We were expecting him to wake up any minute even after the doctor issued the death certificate. It's only when people started coming in weeping that we realised what had happened. Mama cried bitterly. Of all the people who had come for the funeral rites, he cried the most.

Ajja was to turn 90 next month. He died a peaceful death- in his sleep. It was the 8th of September- Mother Mary's feast for the Christians and Angarika for the Hindus. A good day. He could even meet my brother last month when he had come down from the States for the holidays. He was satisfied and people say he's very lucky in that respect.

I regret a few things though. I regret suggesting my mother to hospitalize him till his wounds get dried up. I regret talking of an Old Age home cum hospital once when my parents faced great difficulty handling him and my mother's health was deteorating. I am glad we didn't go ahead with any of that. Most of all, I regret not staying up that night. I regret not being able to go back in time.

We sometimes still feel Ajja's with us, it's hard to believe he's gone forever. Sometimes I think God has a way of helping us deal with the loss of a loved one... The feeling doesn't sink in too soon, and when it does, time has already done the healing.

Rest in Peace Ajja, you'll always be remembered for your special ways.