Me (*panting*): Ma'am , may I come in please?
Sushmitha Ma'am: No
Me : Will you allow me in for the next lecture?
Susmitha Ma'am: No
And I went back .. crying.... terrribly... Now, Sushmitha Ma'am is very particular about punctuality, and it's usual for her to say NO to people who are even a minute late. I was wondering what is it that made me sob so bad.. for 30 mins after she said NO .. !!
Since the last 3 weeks, I'm unable to explain things that I do, the way I think... and its scaring me all the more. People tell me I have changed, in a way that I didn't realise on my own.. They say I don't take anyone close now, I keep all of my friends at some distance, and treat them equally.. And nothing affects me so much.. And yes, they were true about that.. I don't know why ... Maybe its cuz I've been hurt so much in the past that I've decided I wont let things affect me the way they used to, and avoid getting hurt.. But it didnt work the way I wanted it to... My behaviour is affecting people around me, and its hurting them , which is inturn making me feel bad about myself..
I don't feel the urge to call my dear ones and meet them every time I get a tea break or a free lecture.. I don't feel the urge to talk to loved ones in my vella time.. I just go with the flow. I talk to people around me, listen to music when I'm alone, sleep or surf the net at home, but don't take any extra efforts to talk to people, meet them... Its not that I don't care, its just that I don't feel the same anymore.. I don't know if its a problem.. Some say its for the best, cuz I was a person who wouldn't stay a second without someone special around me , I hardly ever gave time to myself... I would do all I could for people so it also led to people taking advantage of this.. Maybe it is for the good, but I don't want to hurt anyone .. Especially my close ones.. :(
I feel scared of myself thinking I'm turning into a bad person.. I keep hoping its just a passing
And maybe there was so much within me that the little thing that happened in class (getting kicked out for coming late) was like pulling the trigger finally .. I did feel better after venting it all out.. but that was just temporary..
I can't explain that fear within me .. I keep feeling guilty .. like I'm not being true to people.. its the worst feeling one can ever have..
Feeling better having written this down..
I couldn't have put this into words any better than this..
*Please don't feel offended cuz of my behaviour in case it turns bad.. I apologise to all those I may have hurt in the past few weeks.. it was purely unintentional..*